For the past month and a half I have been in a funk. Losing my job, spraining my ankle, and feeling fat have really made me spiral into a cycle of a certain depression. I know I'm not depressed to the point of needing medical help. It's more like being stuck in a dead-end road with no room to turn around and no rear-view mirror to help make reversing possible. I have felt like circumstances were so out of my control that I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Sadly, I haven't been in the place where I "let go" of the control; rather, the control I thought I had suddenly has fallen through my fingers like water. I have felt unlike myself in every aspect of my self. My mind, will, and emotions are not "me". My spirit is dry. My body feels like crap. All that adds up to me not quite being ME. Where has the JOY gone?
But here's the thing...Now that I have been able to vocalize it and realize what is going on with me, I have felt a certain freedom in knowing that I feel this way and can accept that it won't kill me. Things are gradually getting better, too. My ankle isn't so injured any more. That means I can work out almost as I used to. I had a job interview yesterday. That gave me a little hope that I just might have a new job by the end of this summer. Things are slowly turning around for me...
A good friend of mine says, "Happiness depends on happenings. Joy depends on Jesus." I have always appreciated that statement; but lately that has become truth to me. I have to look beyond circumstances for wholeness and Joy. So that is what I have been attempting to do. I have a little list that I have started that I would like to call my Joy List. I know I will continue to add to it because Jesus just keeps showing me more truth whenever I seek it.
Joy List:
Beautiful roses in gardens all over town.
Flowering trees.
Petey.
Friends who pray for me and encourage me, especially when I don't even ask for it.
Hard work.
Alpacas.
Watching my brother play baseball.
Cracking up about nothing and everything with my sister.
Morning sunshine.
The few days a month I wake up with little or no blemishes on my face.
Laughter.
Harry Potter books.
Pretty eye shadow.
Having lunch with friends.
Long walks in the afternoon.
Delicious desserts.
Pink toenail polish.
Teens who have decided to make positive life choices and hold others accountable to it, too. Yay STARS!!
My beautiful niece Charlotte and all the amazingness that she embodies.
Squirrels.
The dress I get to wear for Heather's wedding.
I am going to keep adding to this list because just writing it is making me understand how much beauty, hope, and joy God has for me. Things might not always be perfect, but things aren't so bad, really...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Return of the Squirrel
Lester the Pester was back today. I thought I had shut the back door behind me after taking Petey outside this morning, but apparently, I didn't...
Lester (appropriately named, in my humble opinion) knew there was a chip bag sitting near the back door waiting to get thrown away. (Don't ask he how or why.) He wasn't about to let that happen. Lester decided to take matters into his own paws. I think he actually pushed the back door open just enough to slip his little black body through. He made his way up to the bench holding the chips, bit a hole in the back, and helped himself.
Now, you may ask, where were you? Where was PETEY? Well, let me tell you. He and I were in the living room on the couch. I was applying for jobs. Petey was snuggled up next to me. Some gaurd dog he is...But we already established his inadequacies yesterday...
I heard the noise in the kitchen and got up to investigate. My trusty non-gaurd dog was right at my heels. Sure enough...There went Lester, out the door and up the tree with a chip in his mouth!!!
Upon further investigation, Lester also managed to get into Jenn's wheat tortillas...ooops... Needless to say, I shut the door. And I will continue to shut the door all summer. I like Lester, but only when he's outside.
Karen reminded me of a poem she and I so elloquently wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. We were inspired by some stuffed Missouri squirrels in our friend Travis's basement. (Yes, his family hunted and stuffed the squirrels. No joke.) It is written in haiku form. Enjoy!
It's all about life.
Do keep the squirrels alive, please.
They are watching us.
They attack at night
Showing their teeth, burnt orange.
Watch out for their claws.
Did you know they're soft?
They look bristly, but they're not.
Dont let them fool you.
They are devious,
plotting and planning demise.
Shut the door and hide.
If you let them be,
They will leave us alone.
It's all about life.
Lester (appropriately named, in my humble opinion) knew there was a chip bag sitting near the back door waiting to get thrown away. (Don't ask he how or why.) He wasn't about to let that happen. Lester decided to take matters into his own paws. I think he actually pushed the back door open just enough to slip his little black body through. He made his way up to the bench holding the chips, bit a hole in the back, and helped himself.
Now, you may ask, where were you? Where was PETEY? Well, let me tell you. He and I were in the living room on the couch. I was applying for jobs. Petey was snuggled up next to me. Some gaurd dog he is...But we already established his inadequacies yesterday...
I heard the noise in the kitchen and got up to investigate. My trusty non-gaurd dog was right at my heels. Sure enough...There went Lester, out the door and up the tree with a chip in his mouth!!!
Upon further investigation, Lester also managed to get into Jenn's wheat tortillas...ooops... Needless to say, I shut the door. And I will continue to shut the door all summer. I like Lester, but only when he's outside.
Karen reminded me of a poem she and I so elloquently wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. We were inspired by some stuffed Missouri squirrels in our friend Travis's basement. (Yes, his family hunted and stuffed the squirrels. No joke.) It is written in haiku form. Enjoy!
It's all about life.
Do keep the squirrels alive, please.
They are watching us.
They attack at night
Showing their teeth, burnt orange.
Watch out for their claws.
Did you know they're soft?
They look bristly, but they're not.
Dont let them fool you.
They are devious,
plotting and planning demise.
Shut the door and hide.
If you let them be,
They will leave us alone.
It's all about life.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Rainy Day Visitor
I know I just posted another blog, but I had to share something...
It started raining last night, and it has been a very wet morning. I kept hearing a noise in the kitchen, but with the roomies working and Petey with me, I couldn't figure out what it was. Then, it hit me. The intruder squirrel was back...
A couple months ago, Jenn was home from work during a really snowy day. All morning, a little squirrel attempted to find ways to get into the house. He scratched at the door, climbed the window, and did just about anything to get in out of the snow.
And now the little guy was back. Only this time, he discovered the hole in the window screen that another squirrel chewed last summer. It's the perfect size for a squirrel to get through...So he did. The little guy decided the space between the window and screen was the perfect place to wait out the rain, if he couldn't actually get in the house.
He has been going in and out, climbing up and down the screen all morning. It's kind of cute...
Letdown...
A few weeks ago I found out I would be out a job next year. Unfortunately, I was given this news at the beginning of the second-to-last week of school. I had no room to think about much except finishing strong. Last week was spent in the mountains as I chaperoned the junior class mission trip. Then came the weekend. And now...Now it's Tuesday of my first real week of summer vacation...
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...
I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.
Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...
I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.
Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
...and it's only Wednesday...
This is perhaps one of the most difficult weeks I have ever had, and it's only Wednesday! Monday I was told I don't have a job at LCS next year. I cried a lot that afternoon and went to bed with a nasty headache.
Tuesday was rough b/c I was trying to focus on the day...not the circumstances that lie ahead of me...Searching for a job scares me. I am trying to be hopeful about it all, but it's still scary.
Today, things were much better emotionally, but at the end of the day, I was being productive and taking some things off the wall in the hall. I was standing on a mini chair on my way down from a desk I had been standing on. Not a minute before, I had a premonition of sorts... I actually thought to myself how terrible it would be to fall off the desk/chair and sprain my ankle. (When I think about things that are terrible, I usually don't anticipate them actually happening b/c I ruin the surprise factor by thinking of them before they happen. That's always been the way my "magical thinking" has worked. Well, the magic ran out today.) I stepped wrong off of the chair and went down hard on my ankle. I heard it pop, and knew that was not a good sign... I hobbled into my room, fighting nausea and blacking out (seriously!! I'm not even exaggerating here!!). Just then, my little Madi from last year popped in to say hi. I sent her to get an ice pack, and having her around to talk to for a few minutes helped me to not get sick over it. When she left, I knew it was definitely sprained... So my darling little brother came and picked me up and bought me Advil, a Slurpee, and a frozen pizza for the night... And now I am keeping it elevated with ice. I'm sure it's not broken, but it's not going to be better in the morning...
*Sigh* And it's only Wednesday...What's next?
P.S. I would like to shake the hand of the person who created FMyLife.com. It helps put one's own problems into a whole new perspective!! You should really check it out, if nothing else, for the cheap laughs. :o) http://FMyLife.com
Tuesday was rough b/c I was trying to focus on the day...not the circumstances that lie ahead of me...Searching for a job scares me. I am trying to be hopeful about it all, but it's still scary.
Today, things were much better emotionally, but at the end of the day, I was being productive and taking some things off the wall in the hall. I was standing on a mini chair on my way down from a desk I had been standing on. Not a minute before, I had a premonition of sorts... I actually thought to myself how terrible it would be to fall off the desk/chair and sprain my ankle. (When I think about things that are terrible, I usually don't anticipate them actually happening b/c I ruin the surprise factor by thinking of them before they happen. That's always been the way my "magical thinking" has worked. Well, the magic ran out today.) I stepped wrong off of the chair and went down hard on my ankle. I heard it pop, and knew that was not a good sign... I hobbled into my room, fighting nausea and blacking out (seriously!! I'm not even exaggerating here!!). Just then, my little Madi from last year popped in to say hi. I sent her to get an ice pack, and having her around to talk to for a few minutes helped me to not get sick over it. When she left, I knew it was definitely sprained... So my darling little brother came and picked me up and bought me Advil, a Slurpee, and a frozen pizza for the night... And now I am keeping it elevated with ice. I'm sure it's not broken, but it's not going to be better in the morning...
*Sigh* And it's only Wednesday...What's next?
P.S. I would like to shake the hand of the person who created FMyLife.com. It helps put one's own problems into a whole new perspective!! You should really check it out, if nothing else, for the cheap laughs. :o) http://FMyLife.com
Friday, May 8, 2009
a question...
I saw a picture of a baby today. The baby was not cute. In fact, she was about as far from cute as I have ever seen... This made me wonder... Do parents with not-cute kids know their kids are not cute?
I am so grateful that the two babies in my life right now are beyond cute. Thank you, Karen and Emily, for giving birth to beautiful little girls!!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
To win, one has to play...
My palms were sweaty...
My knees were weak...
My heart was racing a mile a minute...
My breath came short and fast...
My brain couldn't think clearly...
I knew was in for trouble...
No, I did not fall in love. That would have been too wonderful.
I was staring at yet another bank notice email: ISF Notice!!! AGAIN?! I thought I already went through this last month! And I just got paid yesterday! "How could this be?!" I wondered aloud to myself. It took everything in me to go to my online bank statement and face the impending doom that awaited me...
I hate this feeling. I am out of control with my finances, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Sure, there's the obvious: keep track of my spending, and stick to a budget. Why can I not seem to grasp that habit and stick to it for more than a day? I was never trained properly to scrimp and save. I know how to shop sales and am getting better and better at not splurging and buying on impulse. I just can't seem to maintain a balance in my bank account that shows I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. I have more bills to pay than I can even count right now, and I don't even know where to start.
So...here I was...looking at my account balance... But wait! What is this?! I'm not seeing negative symbols here in my checking account... At a closer look, it appeared to me that my savings account was $9.70 in the negative thanks to a service fee!! What THAT is all about, I would like to know... But, hey! At least this is fixable with a little transfer from my POSITIVE checking account.
On the optimistic side, at least I am not completely screwed again this month. And maybe this is another wake up call that I need. It's time to grow up. It's time to face the truth. It's time to start saving and planning for a more secure future where I'm not constantly afraid of checking my account balance for fear of that negative sign.
Any suggestions?
Or better yet, let's pray I win the lotto. Of course to do that, one has to play... Darn.
My knees were weak...
My heart was racing a mile a minute...
My breath came short and fast...
My brain couldn't think clearly...
I knew was in for trouble...
No, I did not fall in love. That would have been too wonderful.
I was staring at yet another bank notice email: ISF Notice!!! AGAIN?! I thought I already went through this last month! And I just got paid yesterday! "How could this be?!" I wondered aloud to myself. It took everything in me to go to my online bank statement and face the impending doom that awaited me...
I hate this feeling. I am out of control with my finances, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Sure, there's the obvious: keep track of my spending, and stick to a budget. Why can I not seem to grasp that habit and stick to it for more than a day? I was never trained properly to scrimp and save. I know how to shop sales and am getting better and better at not splurging and buying on impulse. I just can't seem to maintain a balance in my bank account that shows I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. I have more bills to pay than I can even count right now, and I don't even know where to start.
So...here I was...looking at my account balance... But wait! What is this?! I'm not seeing negative symbols here in my checking account... At a closer look, it appeared to me that my savings account was $9.70 in the negative thanks to a service fee!! What THAT is all about, I would like to know... But, hey! At least this is fixable with a little transfer from my POSITIVE checking account.
On the optimistic side, at least I am not completely screwed again this month. And maybe this is another wake up call that I need. It's time to grow up. It's time to face the truth. It's time to start saving and planning for a more secure future where I'm not constantly afraid of checking my account balance for fear of that negative sign.
Any suggestions?
Or better yet, let's pray I win the lotto. Of course to do that, one has to play... Darn.
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