I know I haven't blogged in a long time, and I hate to begin again with such a glum tone...But sometimes it can't be helped...
Over the past 9 or 10 days I have been really missing my late Grandpa Heckman and Grandma Farrenkopf. I have been very fortunate to have not lost many people close to me in my life. But the ones I have lost have been very special people.
My Grandpa Farrenkopf passed away over 7 years ago. That was sad and a rough time for my family to get through, but as for me, I was rather distracted with my new life in college and mourned him relatively quickly and well.
My Great Grandma Shinaut passed away about a year and a half after that. I mourned her and was able to move on.
Just over two years ago my Grandpa Heckman passed away. This one was a lot harder to go through. Maybe it was beacause he had such a slow and painful death. Maybe it was because I had a closer relationship with him. Maybe it was because I didn't get a chance to really tell him goodbye. But whatever it was, I still am working out mourning him. There are times I am reminded of him and randomly start crying. Being at his house this Thanksgiving and watching old home videos of him have just brought it all back to the surface again. I miss him so very much.
This past summer my Grandma Farrenkopf passed away. During the first few weeks after her death I was sad, but mostly I just rejoiced that she was free from pain and now partying with Jesus. Since then, though, the missing-Grandma sadness has begun to set in. I will think about sending her a card or going to visit her, and then it hits me hard: she's not here anymore. Seeing her pictures, even as recently taken as June, make it that much harder for me to accept. It just really sucks missing my grandma this much.
So my question is this: Does it ever get easier? Will this pain of missing Grandpa Heckman and Grandma Farrenkopf ever go away? I know Jesus says, "Come to me all you who are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." I guess it's just hard for me to completely surrender the pain to Him. Part of me feels like if I give it up completely, I will start to forget them. I don't want to do that. So what do I do? How do I get through this with dignity and grace? I have a hard time letting myself struggle emotionally. I have it in my head that I should be happy and have it together. I need to be the strong one, letting others mourn while I am their shoulder to cry on. Now I need that shoulder, but I'm not very good at asking for it.
I'm a work in progress. I guess I always will be. Good thing I'm not alone, I guess.
I'm not very close to any of my grandparents, so when my Grandpa Whaley died, I was sad, but easily moved on. Though I do miss him sometimes. So I don't have much to offer, but I think (and this is going to sound cheesy) that Raising Helen had a great point--when Helen is talking to the boy (forgot his name...) about how his parents would want him to keep enjoying his life because that makes their dreams come true. Well, I think it's kind of true. Your grandparents want you to give up the hurt to Jesus, and just remember them with joy. It's definitely hard, though. But it will get easier. Just give it time.
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