This is a journal entry I wrote last Thursday, and I was hoping to put it up before this but...you know how it goes...
August 6, 2009
I got off work at 1:00 today, so I packed up my book, Bible, and journal, grabbed Petey, and took a drive to Estes Park. It rained a lot of the way up, but it is cool, dry and still here by Mary's Lake. Viewing the little puddles on the rocks surrounding me, I just missed the storm. The sun is trying to break through and some blue sky is peeking through the clouds to the south of me. It's actually clear over the peaks north of the lake The fish are hopping like crazy to catch the bugs. Almost makes me want to go fishing...almost...
I am so grateful for this mini-retreat I am taking this afternoon. Lately I am finding myself slipping a little bit back to the sadness that tried to overtake me a few months ago. I think it's partly due to the fact that school is starting again, but I don't get to be part of it like I was the past two years. Plus, I drove past LCS today and saw all of my friends' cars parked there, and it really made me miss the relationships I make there, especially my students. I feel really hurt by the administration there. I have been leading myself to believe I was OK all summer. Today I understood that the hurt goes deeper. It hits the places in me where I feel least significant. I always wonder if I'm actually good enough...good enough at what I do; good enough at who I am; good enough at life in general. So when LCS let me go and then had a position or two open up, I had to wonder: was I not offered a position because I 'm not good enough? That leads me to wonder, was I not offered any new positions by any other schools because I'm not good enough? Am I delirious and out of line when I search my heart and actually think I am good enough?! Because I think I'm a pretty damn-good teacher, and excellent employee, a charismatic leader, a true friend, a helpful person, a great listener, a creative thinker, a talented artist, an enthusiastic encourager...the list can go on...So and I actually just crazy for believing these things about myself? then why don't others seem to agree? Sure, I can't be finding my worth in what other think, but I really don't believe I do. My list wouldn't be so positive if I did...I just falter at times and get caught in questioning myself. I will likely never completely be able to not do that from time to time. I just have to remember: to everything there is a season. The season I am in right now is a huge transition. I don't completely get it, but I'll just keep trying to go with the flow. There are new paths to be walked, new people to meet, new lessons to be learned. Fear is OK...lo long as it is replaced by understanding as I get it. This is my life. I'm grateful for it all.
The sky keeps trying to clear as the breeze pushes the clouds away. The fish have had their fill of bugs. Mary's Lake is moving to it's steady, wavy beat. And I am reminded again that Jesus is walking this life with me. He just kissed me with a sunbeam. <3~mkf
