Does it ever get easier...?

I know I haven't blogged in a long time, and I hate to begin again with such a glum tone...But sometimes it can't be helped...
Over the past 9 or 10 days I have been really missing my late Grandpa Heckman and Grandma Farrenkopf. I have been very fortunate to have not lost many people close to me in my life. But the ones I have lost have been very special people.
My Grandpa Farrenkopf passed away over 7 years ago. That was sad and a rough time for my family to get through, but as for me, I was rather distracted with my new life in college and mourned him relatively quickly and well.
My Great Grandma Shinaut passed away about a year and a half after that. I mourned her and was able to move on.
Just over two years ago my Grandpa Heckman passed away. This one was a lot harder to go through. Maybe it was beacause he had such a slow and painful death. Maybe it was because I had a closer relationship with him. Maybe it was because I didn't get a chance to really tell him goodbye. But whatever it was, I still am working out mourning him. There are times I am reminded of him and randomly start crying. Being at his house this Thanksgiving and watching old home videos of him have just brought it all back to the surface again. I miss him so very much.
This past summer my Grandma Farrenkopf passed away. During the first few weeks after her death I was sad, but mostly I just rejoiced that she was free from pain and now partying with Jesus. Since then, though, the missing-Grandma sadness has begun to set in. I will think about sending her a card or going to visit her, and then it hits me hard: she's not here anymore. Seeing her pictures, even as recently taken as June, make it that much harder for me to accept. It just really sucks missing my grandma this much.
So my question is this: Does it ever get easier? Will this pain of missing Grandpa Heckman and Grandma Farrenkopf ever go away? I know Jesus says, "Come to me all you who are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." I guess it's just hard for me to completely surrender the pain to Him. Part of me feels like if I give it up completely, I will start to forget them. I don't want to do that. So what do I do? How do I get through this with dignity and grace? I have a hard time letting myself struggle emotionally. I have it in my head that I should be happy and have it together. I need to be the strong one, letting others mourn while I am their shoulder to cry on. Now I need that shoulder, but I'm not very good at asking for it.
I'm a work in progress. I guess I always will be. Good thing I'm not alone, I guess.

Last Monday Emily and I went to the radio station for a birthday party for the afternoon DJ. We had pizza and cake, sang happy birthday, met some fun people, and got to even talk on the radio!! :o) I didn't realize the difficult job that DJs actually have! They deal with a lot of technology, editing, and staying on schedule so things go smoothly on air. Turns out, I could not be a DJ, not just because I don't have a voice for radio. I would get too distracted and not be able to stay on task most of the time, I'm pretty sure... It was a great experience. And doing it with my sister made it even more amazing!! :o)

So, I am starting to think about next year and what I want to do in regards to teaching. Ultimately I still want to do high school. But an opportunity has come up that I am having a hard time passing up. There is a chance that I could go teach for a year in a little Christian school in Taiwan. My good friend Jessica went last year to teach for a few months after she graduated from college. She is getting married in February, and she and her husband are hoping to go back next August so Jess can teach and Terry can take some college classes. I am thinking about going with them... Jessica mentioned that I would likely get a job quite easily based on my "teaching in a Christian school" experience. Cost of living is really low there, so most of what I would make could be saved and used to help get me out of this hole of debt I can't seem to quite get out of... The experience would be amazing! The hardest part would be being away from Charlotte, Petey, and the rest of my family and friends for so long... But if I don't take this opportunity now, chances are I'll never get it again! So, if you are reading this and want to offer a prayer for me, pray that I will know how to go about this. I want to do what is right. I think I really want to go!

Hey! I have written two blogs in less than two weeks!! That is amazing! Maybe I'll get a third one done in the next few days!! :o)

birthdays, weddings, and more.....

This past Friday I turned 26. That's 4 years from 30. Whoa. If I think about it that way, it freaks me out a little bit. However, I'm taking it as it comes and am very grateful for every day. In a little reflection time, I came to the conclusion that I am living a life at this age that I never would have imagined I would be living. If I were asked when I was about 10 where I would be and what I would be doing when I was 26, I am certain I would have said, "I will have at least 1 kid, will have been married for a few years, and will be living in a house with a white picket fence." (Come to think of it, I would have been living Karen's life!! ;o) hehehe...Just kidding, Karen....) Instead, I'm teaching at a preschool, have zero kids (which is totally OK with me, btw), have no prospects for a boyfriend let alone a husband, and rent an old house with two wonderful friends... And to be perfectly honest, I couldn't imagine it any other way right now!! Good thing my 10-year old self didn't have ultimate control of my current life!! :o) It just proves to me yet again that GOD knows best, and I have absolutely no clue about anything, as it turns out... :o)

I went to a wedding yesterday. It might have been one of the most incredible wedding experiences I have ever had in my entire life! The couple is my roomie's brother and his new wife. They are so obviously in love... The impression I got from this wedding was that they were having a wedding and reception not for the tradition and formality but for the simple fact that their highest desire was to honor God, each other, and their friends and family by displaying the beauty of their love with a fantastic celebration! Yes, the event was fancy, sparkly, magical, and thrilling... But I took so much more away from that wedding than just about any other I have ever been to or in (and if you know me, you know that has been quite a few.........). I was shown joy in its purest form in the way Dan and Jami looked at each other. I was blessed by the way guests were honored and appreciated. I was brought to tears by the "wedding favor" for the guests: a large donation in our name to an orphanage in Belize. I'm not going to lie...I am becoming more and more jaded when it comes to weddings and all they seem to be about. This beautiful ceremony and celebration gave me a little hope...It is possible to do a wedding without completely destorting the beauty of marriage and true love. Ahhh...my inner hopeless romantic feels pretty happy today...

Tomorrow my sister got me and herself invited to a "birthday party" at 92.5 The Wolf's radio station. It's the afternoon show guy's birthday, and he is throwing himself a party with people who have birthdays around his. I get to leave work early tomorrow to go to it! I have no idea what to expect, but it should be fun. I'm excited to hang out with Emily. Perhaps I shall blog about my experience another day... Also, if you're in the Denver area, tune in to 92.5 around 4:00, and maybe you'll hear me talking to you!

One more thing... I got to chat with Karen for a while today, which made me really happy. I love that woman so very much. :o) She told me I was in trouble because I haven't been very consistent with my blogging lately. Her sweet Grandma Ruth reads our blogs and requested that we write more often. So, Grandma Ruth, I want to apologize and let you know that I will try to do better. :o)

Ok. That is all for now...
Have a wonderful week! :o)

Snapshot of Perfection

My inner poet decided to step out and say hello last week. It was inspired by my preschoolers... Enjoy!! :o)

"Snapshot of Perfection"

Verdant hills
Soft valleys for landing
Superstars-in-their-own-eyes kids

Sparkling eyes beaming life:
Lived.
Being Lived.
Yet to Live.

Bubbling laughter
Piercing shrieks
The occasional cry of unjustness

Friends
Holding hands
Taking toys
Sharing memories, if just for today.

Teacher sits
above them,
among them,
with them.
Watching.
Caring.
Smiling.

"Look what I can do!" they implore.
A floppy cartwheel
A clumsy somersault
"Watch me!" they insist.
A wiggle and a twist
A roll down the hill
To many it's impressive.
Some are sure they can do more.

Teacher knows something beyond
this moment,
these tricks,
the incredible feats.

It is just as it should be:
A joy, a blessing,
A snapshot of perfection
When all is well.

And as the superstars grow
Teacher knows
The best is yet to be.

journaling in the mountains...

This is a journal entry I wrote last Thursday, and I was hoping to put it up before this but...you know how it goes...

August 6, 2009
I got off work at 1:00 today, so I packed up my book, Bible, and journal, grabbed Petey, and took a drive to Estes Park. It rained a lot of the way up, but it is cool, dry and still here by Mary's Lake. Viewing the little puddles on the rocks surrounding me, I just missed the storm. The sun is trying to break through and some blue sky is peeking through the clouds to the south of me. It's actually clear over the peaks north of the lake The fish are hopping like crazy to catch the bugs. Almost makes me want to go fishing...almost...
I am so grateful for this mini-retreat I am taking this afternoon. Lately I am finding myself slipping a little bit back to the sadness that tried to overtake me a few months ago. I think it's partly due to the fact that school is starting again, but I don't get to be part of it like I was the past two years. Plus, I drove past LCS today and saw all of my friends' cars parked there, and it really made me miss the relationships I make there, especially my students. I feel really hurt by the administration there. I have been leading myself to believe I was OK all summer. Today I understood that the hurt goes deeper. It hits the places in me where I feel least significant. I always wonder if I'm actually good enough...good enough at what I do; good enough at who I am; good enough at life in general. So when LCS let me go and then had a position or two open up, I had to wonder: was I not offered a position because I 'm not good enough? That leads me to wonder, was I not offered any new positions by any other schools because I'm not good enough? Am I delirious and out of line when I search my heart and actually think I am good enough?! Because I think I'm a pretty damn-good teacher, and excellent employee, a charismatic leader, a true friend, a helpful person, a great listener, a creative thinker, a talented artist, an enthusiastic encourager...the list can go on...So and I actually just crazy for believing these things about myself? then why don't others seem to agree? Sure, I can't be finding my worth in what other think, but I really don't believe I do. My list wouldn't be so positive if I did...I just falter at times and get caught in questioning myself. I will likely never completely be able to not do that from time to time. I just have to remember: to everything there is a season. The season I am in right now is a huge transition. I don't completely get it, but I'll just keep trying to go with the flow. There are new paths to be walked, new people to meet, new lessons to be learned. Fear is OK...lo long as it is replaced by understanding as I get it. This is my life. I'm grateful for it all.
The sky keeps trying to clear as the breeze pushes the clouds away. The fish have had their fill of bugs. Mary's Lake is moving to it's steady, wavy beat. And I am reminded again that Jesus is walking this life with me. He just kissed me with a sunbeam. <3~mkf

In the Army...

Today I joined the army. OK...I didn't actually join the U.S. Army. I joined the Army of Women to help eradicate breast cancer. Here's a little bit about it. Read it and then join with me!!

The Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation and the Avon Foundation for Women, a global leader in breast cancer research, joined forces to launch the Love/Avon Army of Women.

Our revolutionary initiative has two key goals:

• To recruit one million healthy women of every age and ethnicity, including breast cancer survivors and women at high-risk for the disease, to partner with breast cancer researchers and directly participate in the research that will eradicate breast cancer once and for all.
• To challenge the scientific community to expand its current focus to include breast cancer prevention research conducted on healthy women.

Join us in this movement that will take us beyond a cure by creating new opportunities to study what causes breast cancer—and how to prevent it.

Join the Army of Women and make a difference with me!!

www.armyofwomen.org

I'm not dead yet!

There is a scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the dead-collectors go through the streets chanting, "Bring out ye dead! Bring out ye dead!" as they collect dead people off the streets. One old man is given to the collector and fights him saying, "I'm not dead yet!" (He is then knocked over the head and killed...but that's not the point of this...)
In the last week and a half, I have realized something huge: I'm not dead yet! I am 25 and am just starting to LIVE!!! I have been given a new hope and realized a lot about my dreams. I can't wait to see them realized...
I staffed the STARS National Conference during the last week of June. Every year I have taken part in this conference has been impacting to me to some degree. This year was a little bit different. God worked in me in the most unexpected ways. I'm not sure how else to describe it all besides listing a few highlights (from the conference and since it has ended)...So bear with me as I try to process and describe what has been happening in me...
1) I have a dream. I want to be a high school teacher. I am so over teaching in an white-majority, Christian-bubble environment. My heart is in teaching. And this last week, thanks to the amazing kids who made up my family group, I realized who I want to teach. I have a feeling that this new realization and dream will take me away from my little home town and will probably take me even away from Colorado. But interestingly enough, this makes me so excited!! I realize this won't happen overnight. In fact, I have to look into what it will take for me to get my secondary ed. certification. Then I have to get it. And don't forget about finding that job... Yet I am so encouraged. This is the first time in a long time that I have had a dream and haven't been afraid to let myself follow it.
2) I almost have a job. Yes, it's true. I interviewed at a preschool a few weeks ago and have since then been told that they are very interested in hiring me to teach in their 4-6 year old room. At first I was apprehensive about this. After all, last year I was sure that first grade was as low in age as I would ever go. Plus, this isn't a "real" classroom/teaching job! Add my new goal of being a high school teacher in the mix, and I was sure this wasn't the job for me... Until yesterday. I was able to talk to the lady in charge of hiring me and voiced some of my concerns with her. I needed her to know that I had to be paid more than they were offering and that I would not be able to commit more than a year to them at this point. Instead of shooting me down, she was even more encouraging to me! She let me know that she would pursue upping my pay and that she appreciated my honesty and integrity in letting them know what my ultimate goals are. We are going to meet next week to talk about details. I'm pretty sure I'll be making a paycheck by the beginning of August! God is so good.
3) I think I'm going back to school. After talking to the preschool lady yesterday, I got a phone call from a guy at Jones International University. Months ago I clicked on something online expressing interest in learning more about a master's degree from JIU. Then I realized I had no idea of what I actually wanted to do with my life... When the JIU guy called me yesterday, he was just calling to check up on me and see if I had any new thoughts or questions. I guess yesterday was his lucky day because I did have new thoughts and questions! I asked what their secondary ed program was like, and it turns out that is one of their specialty masters programs! Most of their courses are online courses, too, which means I can work and do coursework at the same time. This is why the preschool seems like a good place for me to be for the next year. I think I might be able to balance work and school with a job like that.
4) My Joy List is growing. Last blog I wrote about my Joy List and said I would keep adding to it. Over these past two weeks my list has expanded exponentially. I finally feel alive for the first time in a long time. I think my next blog will be more dedicated to the specifics of my Joy List.

And thus you have the latest update on my life. I'm not dead yet. I'm just starting to live. I have been revived yet again. Thank you, Jesus.

A brighter perspective...

For the past month and a half I have been in a funk. Losing my job, spraining my ankle, and feeling fat have really made me spiral into a cycle of a certain depression. I know I'm not depressed to the point of needing medical help. It's more like being stuck in a dead-end road with no room to turn around and no rear-view mirror to help make reversing possible. I have felt like circumstances were so out of my control that I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Sadly, I haven't been in the place where I "let go" of the control; rather, the control I thought I had suddenly has fallen through my fingers like water. I have felt unlike myself in every aspect of my self. My mind, will, and emotions are not "me". My spirit is dry. My body feels like crap. All that adds up to me not quite being ME. Where has the JOY gone?
But here's the thing...Now that I have been able to vocalize it and realize what is going on with me, I have felt a certain freedom in knowing that I feel this way and can accept that it won't kill me. Things are gradually getting better, too. My ankle isn't so injured any more. That means I can work out almost as I used to. I had a job interview yesterday. That gave me a little hope that I just might have a new job by the end of this summer. Things are slowly turning around for me...
A good friend of mine says, "Happiness depends on happenings. Joy depends on Jesus." I have always appreciated that statement; but lately that has become truth to me. I have to look beyond circumstances for wholeness and Joy. So that is what I have been attempting to do. I have a little list that I have started that I would like to call my Joy List. I know I will continue to add to it because Jesus just keeps showing me more truth whenever I seek it.
Joy List:
Beautiful roses in gardens all over town.
Flowering trees.
Petey.
Friends who pray for me and encourage me, especially when I don't even ask for it.
Hard work.
Alpacas.
Watching my brother play baseball.
Cracking up about nothing and everything with my sister.
Morning sunshine.
The few days a month I wake up with little or no blemishes on my face.
Laughter.
Harry Potter books.
Pretty eye shadow.
Having lunch with friends.
Long walks in the afternoon.
Delicious desserts.
Pink toenail polish.
Teens who have decided to make positive life choices and hold others accountable to it, too. Yay STARS!!
My beautiful niece Charlotte and all the amazingness that she embodies.
Squirrels.
The dress I get to wear for Heather's wedding.

I am going to keep adding to this list because just writing it is making me understand how much beauty, hope, and joy God has for me. Things might not always be perfect, but things aren't so bad, really...

Return of the Squirrel

Lester the Pester was back today. I thought I had shut the back door behind me after taking Petey outside this morning, but apparently, I didn't...


Lester (appropriately named, in my humble opinion) knew there was a chip bag sitting near the back door waiting to get thrown away. (Don't ask he how or why.) He wasn't about to let that happen. Lester decided to take matters into his own paws. I think he actually pushed the back door open just enough to slip his little black body through. He made his way up to the bench holding the chips, bit a hole in the back, and helped himself.


Now, you may ask, where were you? Where was PETEY? Well, let me tell you. He and I were in the living room on the couch. I was applying for jobs. Petey was snuggled up next to me. Some gaurd dog he is...But we already established his inadequacies yesterday...


I heard the noise in the kitchen and got up to investigate. My trusty non-gaurd dog was right at my heels. Sure enough...There went Lester, out the door and up the tree with a chip in his mouth!!!


Upon further investigation, Lester also managed to get into Jenn's wheat tortillas...ooops... Needless to say, I shut the door. And I will continue to shut the door all summer. I like Lester, but only when he's outside.





Karen reminded me of a poem she and I so elloquently wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. We were inspired by some stuffed Missouri squirrels in our friend Travis's basement. (Yes, his family hunted and stuffed the squirrels. No joke.) It is written in haiku form. Enjoy!



It's all about life.

Do keep the squirrels alive, please.

They are watching us.



They attack at night

Showing their teeth, burnt orange.

Watch out for their claws.



Did you know they're soft?

They look bristly, but they're not.

Dont let them fool you.



They are devious,

plotting and planning demise.

Shut the door and hide.



If you let them be,

They will leave us alone.

It's all about life.

Rainy Day Visitor

I know I just posted another blog, but I had to share something...

It started raining last night, and it has been a very wet morning. I kept hearing a noise in the kitchen, but with the roomies working and Petey with me, I couldn't figure out what it was. Then, it hit me. The intruder squirrel was back...

A couple months ago, Jenn was home from work during a really snowy day. All morning, a little squirrel attempted to find ways to get into the house. He scratched at the door, climbed the window, and did just about anything to get in out of the snow.

And now the little guy was back. Only this time, he discovered the hole in the window screen that another squirrel chewed last summer. It's the perfect size for a squirrel to get through...So he did. The little guy decided the space between the window and screen was the perfect place to wait out the rain, if he couldn't actually get in the house.

He has been going in and out, climbing up and down the screen all morning. It's kind of cute...

Letdown...

A few weeks ago I found out I would be out a job next year. Unfortunately, I was given this news at the beginning of the second-to-last week of school. I had no room to think about much except finishing strong. Last week was spent in the mountains as I chaperoned the junior class mission trip. Then came the weekend. And now...Now it's Tuesday of my first real week of summer vacation...
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...

I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.

Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.

...and it's only Wednesday...

This is perhaps one of the most difficult weeks I have ever had, and it's only Wednesday! Monday I was told I don't have a job at LCS next year. I cried a lot that afternoon and went to bed with a nasty headache.
Tuesday was rough b/c I was trying to focus on the day...not the circumstances that lie ahead of me...Searching for a job scares me. I am trying to be hopeful about it all, but it's still scary.
Today, things were much better emotionally, but at the end of the day, I was being productive and taking some things off the wall in the hall. I was standing on a mini chair on my way down from a desk I had been standing on. Not a minute before, I had a premonition of sorts... I actually thought to myself how terrible it would be to fall off the desk/chair and sprain my ankle. (When I think about things that are terrible, I usually don't anticipate them actually happening b/c I ruin the surprise factor by thinking of them before they happen. That's always been the way my "magical thinking" has worked. Well, the magic ran out today.) I stepped wrong off of the chair and went down hard on my ankle. I heard it pop, and knew that was not a good sign... I hobbled into my room, fighting nausea and blacking out (seriously!! I'm not even exaggerating here!!). Just then, my little Madi from last year popped in to say hi. I sent her to get an ice pack, and having her around to talk to for a few minutes helped me to not get sick over it. When she left, I knew it was definitely sprained... So my darling little brother came and picked me up and bought me Advil, a Slurpee, and a frozen pizza for the night... And now I am keeping it elevated with ice. I'm sure it's not broken, but it's not going to be better in the morning...
*Sigh* And it's only Wednesday...What's next?

P.S. I would like to shake the hand of the person who created FMyLife.com. It helps put one's own problems into a whole new perspective!! You should really check it out, if nothing else, for the cheap laughs. :o) http://FMyLife.com

a question...

I saw a picture of a baby today. The baby was not cute. In fact, she was about as far from cute as I have ever seen... This made me wonder... Do parents with not-cute kids know their kids are not cute?
I am so grateful that the two babies in my life right now are beyond cute. Thank you, Karen and Emily, for giving birth to beautiful little girls!!

To win, one has to play...

My palms were sweaty...
My knees were weak...
My heart was racing a mile a minute...
My breath came short and fast...
My brain couldn't think clearly...
I knew was in for trouble...

No, I did not fall in love. That would have been too wonderful.

I was staring at yet another bank notice email: ISF Notice!!! AGAIN?! I thought I already went through this last month! And I just got paid yesterday! "How could this be?!" I wondered aloud to myself. It took everything in me to go to my online bank statement and face the impending doom that awaited me...
I hate this feeling. I am out of control with my finances, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Sure, there's the obvious: keep track of my spending, and stick to a budget. Why can I not seem to grasp that habit and stick to it for more than a day? I was never trained properly to scrimp and save. I know how to shop sales and am getting better and better at not splurging and buying on impulse. I just can't seem to maintain a balance in my bank account that shows I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. I have more bills to pay than I can even count right now, and I don't even know where to start.
So...here I was...looking at my account balance... But wait! What is this?! I'm not seeing negative symbols here in my checking account... At a closer look, it appeared to me that my savings account was $9.70 in the negative thanks to a service fee!! What THAT is all about, I would like to know... But, hey! At least this is fixable with a little transfer from my POSITIVE checking account.
On the optimistic side, at least I am not completely screwed again this month. And maybe this is another wake up call that I need. It's time to grow up. It's time to face the truth. It's time to start saving and planning for a more secure future where I'm not constantly afraid of checking my account balance for fear of that negative sign.
Any suggestions?
Or better yet, let's pray I win the lotto. Of course to do that, one has to play... Darn.

a poem

I got a yummy candy bar from a kid today. Inside the wrapper was a poem. I liked it, so I thought I would share it.

What woman can forget the arrival of her
first billet doux?
The expectant heart,
the trembling fingers,
the delight of reading young love's artless
revelations in some secret corner,
where no profane eye might see her,
and where her impassioned lover might urge
his suit,
uninterrupted by any voice unsympathetic
with that sweet time.

~J.T. Merydew

I wish I could write poetry like that...
I wish I could have a love letter to read...

Happy Earth Day!

Recycling is one of my favorite hobbies. I'm not a fanatic about it or anything, but I do enjoy putting things in the recycle box and taking it to the bin in the alley when it's overflowing with reusable goodness. On more than one occasion I have been known to fish things out of the trash can to put them in the recycle bin instead... I have a box under my desk that I put papers, cans, and other recyclables in throughout the day. My school doesn't have a recycling program, so I feel a certain responsibility to be my own program here. I have to take my recycling home to my house to actually recycle it, but it's worth it. When I look at all of the trash my school goes through on a daily basis and realize how much could be eliminated with a recycling program, it makes me a little mad. I know it costs money to implement new programs and make them successful. But I don't see why we can't partner with the city or the county and get something figured out. If I'm here teaching again next year, mark my words: I'm going to head up the recycling program. In the mean time, I'll just continue to quietly recycle under my desk and at home. Every little bit counts.
In honor of this holiday, I'm wearing my "Wise Up. Live Life Green." owl tee shirt today. I really like this shirt. The owl is quite cute, and the message makes me feel like I'm serious about making a change in the current world. I might not be the tree-huggingest of tree huggers, but I love trees... a lot (Thanks, Grandpa!). I'm not a "Boulderite" by any means. I just care about our earth. After all, the earth is the Lord's and everything that's in it. I have come to take that more seriously in my recent past. Now, I want to pass it on to my kids. We planted seeds yesterday in class. Today we're going to take some time to pick up garbage. I have some cool books to share with them, too. Yesterday we read Our Two Gardens by Mararet Hebblethwaite and Peter Kavanagh. Today we are going to read Heron Street by Ann Turner and The Tree by Dana Lyons. These kids know the value of taking care of our earth. I'm glad they are being made aware of it now. Kids are much more empassioned than many grown ups when it comes to being eco-friendly.
Do something nice for our earth today! But don't stop there... Make a "green" change today and let it carry through to every day. It's a lot easier than you think. :o)

snow days and other things

I have a lot of thoughts going through my head, so in the spirit of my friend Kristy, I am going to make a list of thoughts. This list will not be nearly as entertaining to read as Kristy's, I'm sure, but that's OK with me. It is what it is, and that's that.

1) Spring break started two days early, as we have had two snow days in a row! We got about 10 or so inches in my town, and the surrounding areas got even as much as 2 feet! Considering we probably have had less than 2 inches of snow all winter, this is a wonderful thing. It virtually shut down every school district around, so there are a lot of happy kids and teachers in the area right now!! I know it's spring break, but I don't even mind having this much snow. I'm not so much excited about the "spring" as I am the "break." Yesterday and today, our really hot (and married) neighbor shoveled our walk. How sweet is that?! He's a good guy. Too bad his wife is so amazing, too... :o)

2) I did a very bad thing. I killed my beautiful peace plant yesterday. I had placed it on the front porch for the past 2 weeks to enjoy our 65+ degree weather...and I left it there...I totally forgot about it, and by the time I remembered, I went out and saw something horrible. My poor plant was frozen, shriveled, and so dark green it was almost black. I knew right away there was no coming back from this tragic happening for that little plant... I had hoped it would warm up and perk up over night. No such luck. I feel so sad about this. I just hope there is some salvaging of life somewhere in those roots.

3) My grandma is coming out from Nebraska on Sunday to stay for a couple of weeks. I'm excited to see her. My spring break is going to consist of a lot of seeing her and Charlotte. That makes me happy. :o)

4) I still have not got a new driver's license (see "It's Like Being 15 All Over Again" for full story.). I really need to. I don't know why I have been putting it off. I keep saying it's b/c I can't afford the cost. If that were actually true, I wouldn't be spending my money on other things. I think I'm nervous. I haven't really driven in a long time. I am afraid of messing up. How embarrassing would that be to not pass my driving test at age 25?! Yes, I need to get over it and just do it. I know.

5) Heather asked me to sing in her wedding. I'm singing a song called "Feels Like Home" by some lady named Chantal Kreviazuk. It's a really pretty song. I'm honored she asked me to sing...But I haven't sung in front of people in a really long time! I am not nervous, actually. I just have to find a track to practice with and hope it meets Heather's standard! I know she wants it to sound the way Chantal sings it...Unfortunately I am not a professional and might have a hard time sounding as good as she does. Oh well. Where does one find a track to sing to? When I was in middle and high school and needed things like that for talent shows and such, I went to music stores. I wonder if they even carry things like that anymore. I'll probably have to look on line.

6) Speaking of Heather's wedding, we are going dress shopping on Sunday!!! I'm really excited, not only to look into dresses for me and the bridal party, but also to help Heather find her dress! She is a bride who has an idea of what she wants, but has no idea how to go about finding it. She's lucky she has a "professional bridesmaid" in her midst! :o) Heather's wedding makes #7 for me. "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride..."

7) I love my little Petey. He is snuggled up right next me me, keeping me warm. He hates the snow when it's more than a millimeter deep. It makes his little tootsies cold. I have a princess for a puppy.

The end...for now...

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,
I have decided I soon want a husband, house, and some babies running around. I am tired of trying to "just get by" and don't want to keep telling myself otherwise. Now, don't get me wrong, Diary. I don't need a husband, house, and babies running around. I'm living life just fine without those things. No...I just want. But here's the thing: wanting something and not seeing any hope of getting it any time soon is just no good. I would like to hope it happens soon. Yesterday, in thinking about weddings, planning with Heather, and watching "The Holiday", I saw little glimmers of hope surface here and there. Sadly, Diary, my hope glimmers got over-shadowed by my reality as soon as I woke up this morning. The trouble is, I don't know what to do about it. In the book The Tale of Despereaux the auther asks, "Reader, do you think it is a terrible thing to hope when there is no reason to hope at all? Or is it something that you might as well do, since, in the end, it really makes no difference to anyone but you?" Diary, I ask you that same question. But I'll take it one step further: Do I have no reason to hope at all? And does it really matter to anyone but me? I wish I could answer those questions with really great responses. I can't. I wish, even more, that you, Diary, could respond to me. You can't. I guess I'll just keep mulling things over, and if I come to a conclusion, I'll let you know.
Thanks for listening, Diary. You're the best! :o)
Love,
Mary<3

Oh, Monday...Sweet Monday...

I turned off my alarm in my sleep this morning, and managed to sleep for another TWO hours. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to be to school no later than 7:45...
I usually set my alarm for 5:15 a.m. so that I can hit snooze until about 6:00. Most days, that works just fine for me. In fact, I rarely have trouble being up in time. This morning, however, was different. I woke up and looked at my clock, expecting to see a time prior to 5:15, since I hadn't remembered hearing my alarm. The red numbers glared at me: 7:32. 7:32?!?!?!?! I don't know that I have ever jumped out of bed so fast! I got dressed, let the dog out, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and did my makeup and hair in no less than 11 minutes. I was impressed with myself. :o) This is when living a block away from school comes in handy. I was able to make it to school by 7:45!! It was nothing less than a miracle.
I guess in telling this story I have proved that I actually can get ready quickly. Maybe I shouldn't share this. Now I'm going to be expected to be fast all the time... Ha! Don't count on it. I have always said I work best under pressure. This is a perfect illustration of that! :o)

time warp

This weekend being daylight savings time has thrown me for a loop. It's extremely difficult waking up when the sun isn't even close to rising...It gives one little enjoyment to let the dog out and realize that even the birds are still sleeping.
I got to school today with every intention to change my clock. One of my clocks is a satellite clock that changes itself and matches with the atomic clock in Boulder. It's pretty great to have and extremely accurate clock in my room. My other clock is an older one that has to be changed manually. Usually, I am the only one who looks at the clock, as I use it for keeping track of time when I'm in reading groups. (I can't see the other clock from where I sit...) Like usual, my day began, and I didn't give the clock another thought.
This afternoon I got my kids started in reading groups ever so promptly. I was quite impressed with my own efficiency, if I do say so myself. As we sped along from group to group...Tigers...Pandas...I kept noticing that we were barely approaching 12:00. That didn't seem right. I knew I was spending ample time with each group and should have been taking up more time. Nevertheless, I continued my groups one by one...Zebras...Now it was only 12:35...I began wracking my brain for something extra to do to kill some time before recess at 2:15. For once in a long time, all of my students got their work done, and I had no reason not to find something extra to keep them busy. And besides that, they were all getting restless and rambunctious like any first grader would.....Lions...As my last group began to come to a close, I panicked. It was only 1:00!! How was it possible for me to get so far ahead?!
Then, it hit me like a giant wave full of seaweed and sand: I HADN'T CHANGED MY CLOCK!! I was actually right on schedule and had nothing to fear. My life fast-forwarded a whole hour within a matter of milliseconds; and I hadn't felt that relieved in a very long time...

They weren't kidding when they said...

"OOOOOOOOOK-lahoma, where the wind goes sweeping down the plain!"

I took a road trip with the family this weekend to the lovely panhandle of O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A this weekend to see my brother and his college team play baseball. On this trip, I came up with two very important life-long conclusions: 1) I am pretty sure I am done taking road trips with my family and 2) I am VERY sure I will never, ever, not for any amount of money or fame, move to the Oklahoma panhandle.

Let me explain myself. I love my family and every strange quirk about each one in it. I really do! But this weekend proved to be a lot of ridiculous time together that lead to frustrated parents, a cranky baby, and a lot of boredom... My parents have a communication problem. They constantly assume the other person knows what he or she is thinking or meaning, but 99% of the time they are wrong... This leads to an annoyed dad who doesn't get breakfast and a frustrated mom who is holding her "I-told-you-so" inside because she knows it wouldn't be a wise thing to say at the time...And it leads to two daughters who have their parents figured out down to every detail...It's kind of funny, actually. My parents love each other so much, and I guess that's why they manage to get over their ridiculous communication problems almost as soon as they happen. I am grateful for that. Charlotte took her first long road trip. She did really well on the 7-hour drive to OK. I think she only cried a few times, and that was because she was hungry. Then, she slept really soundly in the hotel on both nights we were there. I was actually quite impressed with that little lady. Emily mom-ed her like a pro, too. Kudos to them both. Really, I feel badly for the kid. By the time we got on the road to head home, Charlotte decided she had had enough of her car seat. She was in no mood to have to sit strapped in and stare at nothing exciting for the next 7+ hours. She made sure to let us know that frequently. Now, you can't hold it against her. In fact, I was commiserating 100% of the time. I didn't want to be there, either. I am happy to report that she and I both made it to our homes with most of our sanity. As for the boredom, leave it to my dad to take the "scenic route" during times when going the fastest way would be prudent. He loves driving and enjoying the geography of our great nation...which is not a good combination for three girls sitting in the back. As interesting as the plains and ghost towns of OK and CO are, once you see one, you've seen them all. And if you haven't seen one, it's nothing lost, really. Trust me on this one. I saw enough for you and me... Emily and I had to resort to quoting our favorite speech of the Academy Awards: "Sank you, my mother. Sank you, my friends. Sank you, animation. Sank you, Academy. Domo origato, Mr. Roboto." We said that a lot. That's how bored we were. But that was just on the drive home... You know how bored you are reading this? Yep. That's about where were were, too. :o)
As for the Oklahoma panhandle...It was so windy there, I was pretty sure the state would just pick up and blow all the way to the Gulf of Mexico! It was the coldest wind I have felt in a long time, too. Really, there is not much good to be said about the OK panhandle, in my opinion. I guess I can say, drunk cowboys named Ty Young have pretty teeth...
I did read a great book on the trip. I highly recommend Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz and not just because Oprah agrees. It kept my attention the whole time. It was beautifully written in both first and third person. Good book. Read it.
I'll put up pictures of my amazing trip ASAP. I promise, those are actually pretty fun to see. :o)

In regards to American Idol

I am so grateful Tatiana didn't make it through...yet... I'm sure we haven't seen the last of the drama that she brings, but for now I am happy.
I think the three who made it were the only real worthy people from the first round of 12. I'm totally a fan of Danny and Alexis. I can't wait to watch them get better as they go!
I really did just write a blog about American Idol. I feel as though this won't be the last one, either... Is that ridiculous, or what?

Stream of Consciousness...

I haven't posted a new blog in a while. I have wanted to write for a few days now, but I haven't had a moment to do so. Not having accessible Internet at home makes it difficult, because I am limited to writing at school. Since I have a room full of 7 year olds who demand 100% of my attention 99.78% of the time, I don't usually have much availability in my schedule to write during the day. And when school is over, the last thing I want to do is remain in my room for longer than I must. But today is different. I am staying after school to blog because I have only been in my classroom for approximately and hour of the day. I'm willing to hang out and write a little bit... Aren't you so glad?!
Today my class took a field trip to the Downtown Aquarium. I had 10 parent volunteers and 12 out of 13 students go (poor Isabelle was sick...), which made my day so stress-free it wasn't even funny! I got to ride to the aquarium with one of my favorite moms. She is one of those parents who waited until she was older to have kids. She works for a national drug company and basically lobbies for it all over the country. She is quite relaxed, has a wonderful sense of humor, and understands that I am a poor, single, teacher. She treats me as a friend and never ceases to show me how much she and her family appreciate me. That, for one, made my day spectacular. I explored the aquarium with her, her daughter Julia, and my little favorite (don't tell anyone I said that!!) Izzy. Honestly, if I could have a daughter like Izzy someday, I would be so very happy! She is so friendly, kind, intelligent, patient, well-behaved, inquisitive, funny, and all-around lovely. Plus, she held my hand through the shark exhibit part. That made me feel much better about being around those horrible creatures...
I think Izzy thought I was kidding about being afraid of sharks. I sure wasn't... I'm just glad the aquarium doesn't have any sick ones like great whites. They only have nurse sharks (which aren't so bad) and some other yucky giant ones with bad teeth. Really, what scares me more than sharks, I have come to realize, is the deep, deep water they have to live in. I am starting to feel a bit panicked just thinking about it! I would not make a good deep-sea diver. I think I could snorkel in very clear, shallow, bright, clean water. But anything beyond that is not for me... In fact, I learned some amazing things about coral and reefs and the life that lives therein, and I think I would really like to explore a coral reef someday. I would also like to have a sting ray for a pet. The aquarium has a big pool of different kinds of rays that people can feed and touch. I am pretty sure those are some of the most incredible creatures ever created!! They just glide through that water so effortlessly! Their mouths are incredible things that suck the fishies right out of the feeder's fingers. They are so soft and a little bit slimy. A little yellow one and I made fast friends. I would totally swim with rays... They might even be cooler than dolphins, I'm pretty sure.
Since this blog is titled "Stream of Consciousness", I must continue being random and write whatever else comes to mind. It's kind of liberating, actually. I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head all day. I never said they were interesting...well, sometimes they are...at least to me...though I would agree that none of them are really note worthy. You can stop reading now if you haven't already. I might, if I weren't the writer. Of course, maybe I wouldn't...I am one of those people who love to snoop. Jenn's coworker Meredeth and I are "voyeurs". We like to stick our noses in other people's lives, regardless of how lame they might be... Told you I was random.........
Oh man! I love American Idol!!! I'm pretty excited about this season finally getting underway as far as the performances go. I don't have any particular favorites yet. I don't start voting until the final 12 are selected. I figure, by then the people who actually have a chance at winning are there for a while. Why grow attached to someone before they are actually in it to win it? I don't even know what each one is capable of, so I can't pick just one just yet. All I know is that the stupid Puerto Rican girl Tatiana needs to not be around anymore. She is insane. I have a feeling the producers are going to make an executive decision and keep her somehow, but I don't think that's a good idea. She can sing, but her personality is all over the map. When she's crazy, she's REALLY crazy. When she's demure, she's too boring and even snobbish. And what's with that stupid accent that comes around only when she is reminded of being Puerto Rican? Lame. Anyway, I don't really know her, so I shouldn't be so mean. All that aside, American Idol Season 8 is going to be fabulous! I am looking forward to every episode!
I think I need to go home now. I told a mom of a student from last year that I'd watch her daughter for a couple of hours tonight...and I need to get some grading done before I go. Ugh. Back to reality...It was quite fun letting my mind go for a few minutes. Maybe I should do this more often...
Last random thought for the day: I miss my brother. I want to go to Texas and visit for a few reasons, Mike being only one (and the most important!!). Maybe I'll write about another reason for going another day. I have to figure out exactly what it is I'm thinking and why I'm thinking it before I make it any more public than to Jenn once in a while.

Love,
me<3

Southern Gospel Revival

For the past week and a half we haven't had our cable channels. We do, however, get channels 2-13 (minus channel 8). On weekends, it is said that there is never much good to watch on network TV. Interestingly enough, there are some interesting things to watch on the local channel. As the roomies and I were flipping though our 11 channels for the umpteeth time on Friday night, we landed on what appeared to be an old church service from a local community church.
This wasn't just any service, though. This was an all-out Southern Gospel Revival Music style service, fully equipped with a choir, band, and singing preacher. (The irony of it all was that there was perhaps one non-white person in the whole group...and she was Latina! Anyway, I digress...) For no good reason, we decided to keep the service on, and I was so glad we did!! There was a sing-along part of the service...and sing along Jenn and I did (much to Jennie's dismay...)!!!
Hymns are wonderful things, because even if you don't know exactly how the tune goes, it's not very hard to figure out. I didn't know but one single hymn they sang, but I did my darndest to sing as jubilantly as I could...."I'll fly away, O Glory! I'll fly away! Some bright morning when this life is over, I'll fly away!!!" That song stuck in my head all night and into Saturday...Which made breaking out into song so much harder to resist (again, much to Jennie's dismay...)!!
Then, on Saturday night, we had the same TV problem. There was nothing worth watching on. Until... we were flipping through our channels, and what should we find but that same service again!!! It was time for another old fashioned sing-along!! Boy oh boy...what a good time we had... I'm not even being sarcastic!!
And now, that song is still stuck in my head...and might be for all eternity. That's OK, though. The memories that will forever go with it are totally worth it.
Whoever said there was nothing on TV on the weekends has obviously never watched our local channel at 9:00 on Friday and Saturday night. I can't wait til next weekend! I can't imagine the entertainment getting any better... :o)

It's like I'm 15 all over again...

Back in the summer of 2006 I found out that I had an outstanding ticket, and, thus, my license was temporarily suspended. All I had to do was pay the fine, fax in the paperwork to the DMV, and stay out of trouble. So, in November 2006, I got a sub for half-a-day, paid the fine, faxed in the paperwork, and have since stayed out of trouble. Then, about a week ago, my insurance agent called and mentioned that my driver's licence was invalid. Upon re-running the numbers, we found out that it was, in fact, true. My only option was to go to the DMV and get this problem figured out.

I went in today, and I found out that, sure enough, my license was invalid. The nice lady at the DMV looked up my info and discovered that my ticket was paid two months late. When that happens, they automatically suspend a person's license (and apparently don't have to notify the person). Had that been my only problem, I would have sucked it up, paid the fine, and gotten on with my life. Sadly, that was not the case. The fax that I sent to let them know I was good-to-go never showed up to the DMV. And I never thought to check up on the situation... As of now, my license has been suspended for over two years. When that happens, a person has to start all over.

What does "start all over" mean, you ask? Well, let me break it down for you:
License Reinstatement: $95.00
Permit/Testing Fee: $14.00
New License Fee: $21.00
Feeling like I'm 15 all over again: Priceless.

I am now excited to get to study that oh-so-fun book, take a written test to get a permit, and take a driving test to get a new license. (Wish me luck. It took me two tries to pass the written portion ten years ago. I'm sure I have only gotten dumber since then.) Plus, I get to pay $130 as icing on the cake. Good stuff... And to add insult to injury, I don't even get to keep my old picture. Nope. I will have to lose the greatest picture in the history of licenses. That's not sarcasm. That's truth. I'm not even kidding. Bummer.

Ok. Pessimistic isn't my usual attitude. Let's try to find a silver lining here. I mean, sure...I was so lucky as to stay out of trouble, not get any more tickets, get found out, and ultimately get sent to jail. I found out about all of this in time and can now get it taken care of. It would just kill me if I had to go to jail...even if for just a few hours... I'm sure Eric and Hawkmoon would have given me good advice as to how to survive, but I'd rather not even go there...

"Pearls of Truth and Wisdom"

"Only the brave should teach. Only those who love the young should teach. Teaching is vocation. It is as sacred as priesthood, as innate a desire, as inescapable as the genius which compels a great artist. If he has not the concern for humanity, the love of living creatures, the vision of the priest and the artist, he must not teach." ~Pearl S. Buck

I would like to shake her hand and have coffee with this woman. She was one who not only took her own education seriously, but did everything in her power to help others succeed. She had a deep love and passion for China, since she spent the majority of her life growing up and living there. She believed that everyone, no matter their lot in life, deserved a chance at success. Pearl knew the value of human life. She worked throughout her life to make others aware of it, too. I just discovered a new hero today. I wonder what she would say to that...?

It just goes to show...

I know that up until I was about 19 years old, I held strongly to what I believed my parents believed when it came to politics. I figured, if my parents steered me in the right direction in every other area of my life, they must be pretty dead-on politically, too. I think that is true for most kids (especially under the age of 18).
During the election time, it was very clear to see which of my students parents were voting for whom. If the kids did not out-right tell me, I got a pretty clear picture by a show of hands when asked who the kids would vote for. Obama was outnumbered 12-1 in this little class of mine. That didn't really surprise me. I teach in a Christian school full of right-wing, conservative WASPs. It also didn't surprise me that the one student who was "voting" for Obama happened to be my non-white student of the class... However, today I was surprised by some things.
I took the time to talk about the Inauguration and the new President today. I had a wonderful Scholastic News for the kids to read that was full of pictures and facts about Mr. Obama's life as a kid and into adulthood. There were some pictures and facts about his family, too. We got to discover how very similar (and different) our lives happen to be from the President and his family. Scholastic did a great job "humanizing" Mr. Obama and portrayed him as a real person.
Here is what surprised me. Of all the kids in my class, only two or three stuck to their guns and insisted that they didn't like him. Most of them, when given his "humanness" to look at, were able to relate to at least something. Whether it was the fact that he had a close relationship with his grandparents; he loves basketball; he was a good student; he has a 7-year old daughter (my kids are mostly 7); his girls play the piano... They realized that he just might be a normal guy who happens to have a very big and special job.
What made me sad were the few kids who still insisted, after all the discussion, that they didn't like him. It made me wonder what kind of things were being said at home... I wish that people would just understand that though we might not have gotten our way as far as the election went, we still have to accept what happened. We are called to PRAY for our leaders. Instead of speaking lowly about our President, I wish parents would encourage their kids to talk to God about him. The only way anything is going to change is if we learn to accept people for who they are and realize that none of us are perfect...not even the people we voted for...regardless of who that person was...
I realized one thing that my parents taught me through their honest actions: though they did not always support or enjoy what was going on politiacally in our town, county, state, or nation, they still chose to never speak badly about the political leaders in front of their children. The only bad-mouthing I ever heard came from other family members or adults in my life. My parents knew that it wasn't productive to impress their negativity onto their kids. I thank them for that. I hope I can show that example to my kids in my class, my niece, and any kids of my own I might someday have!
That's all I have to say about that for now. Congratulations, Mr. President. I don't envy the job you have before you...But I do trust that God is in control. And that is a great comfort.

Thus sayeth the Queen Part II

OK. Part I was written in haste during my lunch break today. That turned out to be a very disappointing blog... Just ignore it, if you can help it... :o)



Actually, a little over a week ago, I was doing a study on Psalm 23 and Sabbath Rest. I was personalizing Psalm 23 as I read through it and considered what it meant. When I was done, I realized how incredible and insightful the Holy Spirit can be to me if I allow Him to be. I guess I just want to share it with whomever wants to read my blog...



Mary's Psalm 23



*** Jesus is my guider, helper, protector, and ruler. I am never in need or worried about being provided for. The Lord commands me and encourages me to take a break, relax, and enjoy the LIFE He has given me. He wants me to rest so He can fill me back up, energize my spirit, cleanse my soul, and keep me close to His heart. Jesus leads, and I follow Him along the ways that are good and correct. He does this because His JUSTICE makes me RIGHTEOUS. He does this to bring Himself GLORY. He does this to show what a great and powerful God He is.



Wherever I go, evil is lurking. Temptation never goes away. The shadow of death is around; but my Shepherd keeps it from me. I don't have to be afraid. His discipline in my life helps me walk the path of righteousness. His Word gives me guidance. I am surrounded by PEACE and well-being. Even when things look bad; people don't like me; and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through, my Lord sets me up for success.



He provieds. He makes His own Name renoun so that everyone can taste and see that HE IS GOOD! I have no doubt that goodness, love, mercy, peace, grace, and Jesus will be in my life forever. Because I am so filled with these, I will reflect them and show them wherever I go and in whatever I do! The best part of all is that I will get to spend my life in God's will and my ETERNAL life in His very presence!!!! ***

Thus sayeth the Queen...part I

And now I have started a blog. I tried to resist, but I could not. I thought facebook would be the worst of it... But no...

Anyway, I figured this would be an interesting way to write. Sometimes I have stuff to share...