For the past month and a half I have been in a funk. Losing my job, spraining my ankle, and feeling fat have really made me spiral into a cycle of a certain depression. I know I'm not depressed to the point of needing medical help. It's more like being stuck in a dead-end road with no room to turn around and no rear-view mirror to help make reversing possible. I have felt like circumstances were so out of my control that I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Sadly, I haven't been in the place where I "let go" of the control; rather, the control I thought I had suddenly has fallen through my fingers like water. I have felt unlike myself in every aspect of my self. My mind, will, and emotions are not "me". My spirit is dry. My body feels like crap. All that adds up to me not quite being ME. Where has the JOY gone?
But here's the thing...Now that I have been able to vocalize it and realize what is going on with me, I have felt a certain freedom in knowing that I feel this way and can accept that it won't kill me. Things are gradually getting better, too. My ankle isn't so injured any more. That means I can work out almost as I used to. I had a job interview yesterday. That gave me a little hope that I just might have a new job by the end of this summer. Things are slowly turning around for me...
A good friend of mine says, "Happiness depends on happenings. Joy depends on Jesus." I have always appreciated that statement; but lately that has become truth to me. I have to look beyond circumstances for wholeness and Joy. So that is what I have been attempting to do. I have a little list that I have started that I would like to call my Joy List. I know I will continue to add to it because Jesus just keeps showing me more truth whenever I seek it.
Joy List:
Beautiful roses in gardens all over town.
Flowering trees.
Petey.
Friends who pray for me and encourage me, especially when I don't even ask for it.
Hard work.
Alpacas.
Watching my brother play baseball.
Cracking up about nothing and everything with my sister.
Morning sunshine.
The few days a month I wake up with little or no blemishes on my face.
Laughter.
Harry Potter books.
Pretty eye shadow.
Having lunch with friends.
Long walks in the afternoon.
Delicious desserts.
Pink toenail polish.
Teens who have decided to make positive life choices and hold others accountable to it, too. Yay STARS!!
My beautiful niece Charlotte and all the amazingness that she embodies.
Squirrels.
The dress I get to wear for Heather's wedding.
I am going to keep adding to this list because just writing it is making me understand how much beauty, hope, and joy God has for me. Things might not always be perfect, but things aren't so bad, really...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Return of the Squirrel
Lester the Pester was back today. I thought I had shut the back door behind me after taking Petey outside this morning, but apparently, I didn't...
Lester (appropriately named, in my humble opinion) knew there was a chip bag sitting near the back door waiting to get thrown away. (Don't ask he how or why.) He wasn't about to let that happen. Lester decided to take matters into his own paws. I think he actually pushed the back door open just enough to slip his little black body through. He made his way up to the bench holding the chips, bit a hole in the back, and helped himself.
Now, you may ask, where were you? Where was PETEY? Well, let me tell you. He and I were in the living room on the couch. I was applying for jobs. Petey was snuggled up next to me. Some gaurd dog he is...But we already established his inadequacies yesterday...
I heard the noise in the kitchen and got up to investigate. My trusty non-gaurd dog was right at my heels. Sure enough...There went Lester, out the door and up the tree with a chip in his mouth!!!
Upon further investigation, Lester also managed to get into Jenn's wheat tortillas...ooops... Needless to say, I shut the door. And I will continue to shut the door all summer. I like Lester, but only when he's outside.
Karen reminded me of a poem she and I so elloquently wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. We were inspired by some stuffed Missouri squirrels in our friend Travis's basement. (Yes, his family hunted and stuffed the squirrels. No joke.) It is written in haiku form. Enjoy!
It's all about life.
Do keep the squirrels alive, please.
They are watching us.
They attack at night
Showing their teeth, burnt orange.
Watch out for their claws.
Did you know they're soft?
They look bristly, but they're not.
Dont let them fool you.
They are devious,
plotting and planning demise.
Shut the door and hide.
If you let them be,
They will leave us alone.
It's all about life.
Lester (appropriately named, in my humble opinion) knew there was a chip bag sitting near the back door waiting to get thrown away. (Don't ask he how or why.) He wasn't about to let that happen. Lester decided to take matters into his own paws. I think he actually pushed the back door open just enough to slip his little black body through. He made his way up to the bench holding the chips, bit a hole in the back, and helped himself.
Now, you may ask, where were you? Where was PETEY? Well, let me tell you. He and I were in the living room on the couch. I was applying for jobs. Petey was snuggled up next to me. Some gaurd dog he is...But we already established his inadequacies yesterday...
I heard the noise in the kitchen and got up to investigate. My trusty non-gaurd dog was right at my heels. Sure enough...There went Lester, out the door and up the tree with a chip in his mouth!!!
Upon further investigation, Lester also managed to get into Jenn's wheat tortillas...ooops... Needless to say, I shut the door. And I will continue to shut the door all summer. I like Lester, but only when he's outside.
Karen reminded me of a poem she and I so elloquently wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. We were inspired by some stuffed Missouri squirrels in our friend Travis's basement. (Yes, his family hunted and stuffed the squirrels. No joke.) It is written in haiku form. Enjoy!
It's all about life.
Do keep the squirrels alive, please.
They are watching us.
They attack at night
Showing their teeth, burnt orange.
Watch out for their claws.
Did you know they're soft?
They look bristly, but they're not.
Dont let them fool you.
They are devious,
plotting and planning demise.
Shut the door and hide.
If you let them be,
They will leave us alone.
It's all about life.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Rainy Day Visitor
I know I just posted another blog, but I had to share something...
It started raining last night, and it has been a very wet morning. I kept hearing a noise in the kitchen, but with the roomies working and Petey with me, I couldn't figure out what it was. Then, it hit me. The intruder squirrel was back...
A couple months ago, Jenn was home from work during a really snowy day. All morning, a little squirrel attempted to find ways to get into the house. He scratched at the door, climbed the window, and did just about anything to get in out of the snow.
And now the little guy was back. Only this time, he discovered the hole in the window screen that another squirrel chewed last summer. It's the perfect size for a squirrel to get through...So he did. The little guy decided the space between the window and screen was the perfect place to wait out the rain, if he couldn't actually get in the house.
He has been going in and out, climbing up and down the screen all morning. It's kind of cute...
Letdown...
A few weeks ago I found out I would be out a job next year. Unfortunately, I was given this news at the beginning of the second-to-last week of school. I had no room to think about much except finishing strong. Last week was spent in the mountains as I chaperoned the junior class mission trip. Then came the weekend. And now...Now it's Tuesday of my first real week of summer vacation...
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...
I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.
Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...
I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.
Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.
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