Does it ever get easier...?

I know I haven't blogged in a long time, and I hate to begin again with such a glum tone...But sometimes it can't be helped...
Over the past 9 or 10 days I have been really missing my late Grandpa Heckman and Grandma Farrenkopf. I have been very fortunate to have not lost many people close to me in my life. But the ones I have lost have been very special people.
My Grandpa Farrenkopf passed away over 7 years ago. That was sad and a rough time for my family to get through, but as for me, I was rather distracted with my new life in college and mourned him relatively quickly and well.
My Great Grandma Shinaut passed away about a year and a half after that. I mourned her and was able to move on.
Just over two years ago my Grandpa Heckman passed away. This one was a lot harder to go through. Maybe it was beacause he had such a slow and painful death. Maybe it was because I had a closer relationship with him. Maybe it was because I didn't get a chance to really tell him goodbye. But whatever it was, I still am working out mourning him. There are times I am reminded of him and randomly start crying. Being at his house this Thanksgiving and watching old home videos of him have just brought it all back to the surface again. I miss him so very much.
This past summer my Grandma Farrenkopf passed away. During the first few weeks after her death I was sad, but mostly I just rejoiced that she was free from pain and now partying with Jesus. Since then, though, the missing-Grandma sadness has begun to set in. I will think about sending her a card or going to visit her, and then it hits me hard: she's not here anymore. Seeing her pictures, even as recently taken as June, make it that much harder for me to accept. It just really sucks missing my grandma this much.
So my question is this: Does it ever get easier? Will this pain of missing Grandpa Heckman and Grandma Farrenkopf ever go away? I know Jesus says, "Come to me all you who are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." I guess it's just hard for me to completely surrender the pain to Him. Part of me feels like if I give it up completely, I will start to forget them. I don't want to do that. So what do I do? How do I get through this with dignity and grace? I have a hard time letting myself struggle emotionally. I have it in my head that I should be happy and have it together. I need to be the strong one, letting others mourn while I am their shoulder to cry on. Now I need that shoulder, but I'm not very good at asking for it.
I'm a work in progress. I guess I always will be. Good thing I'm not alone, I guess.

Last Monday Emily and I went to the radio station for a birthday party for the afternoon DJ. We had pizza and cake, sang happy birthday, met some fun people, and got to even talk on the radio!! :o) I didn't realize the difficult job that DJs actually have! They deal with a lot of technology, editing, and staying on schedule so things go smoothly on air. Turns out, I could not be a DJ, not just because I don't have a voice for radio. I would get too distracted and not be able to stay on task most of the time, I'm pretty sure... It was a great experience. And doing it with my sister made it even more amazing!! :o)

So, I am starting to think about next year and what I want to do in regards to teaching. Ultimately I still want to do high school. But an opportunity has come up that I am having a hard time passing up. There is a chance that I could go teach for a year in a little Christian school in Taiwan. My good friend Jessica went last year to teach for a few months after she graduated from college. She is getting married in February, and she and her husband are hoping to go back next August so Jess can teach and Terry can take some college classes. I am thinking about going with them... Jessica mentioned that I would likely get a job quite easily based on my "teaching in a Christian school" experience. Cost of living is really low there, so most of what I would make could be saved and used to help get me out of this hole of debt I can't seem to quite get out of... The experience would be amazing! The hardest part would be being away from Charlotte, Petey, and the rest of my family and friends for so long... But if I don't take this opportunity now, chances are I'll never get it again! So, if you are reading this and want to offer a prayer for me, pray that I will know how to go about this. I want to do what is right. I think I really want to go!

Hey! I have written two blogs in less than two weeks!! That is amazing! Maybe I'll get a third one done in the next few days!! :o)

birthdays, weddings, and more.....

This past Friday I turned 26. That's 4 years from 30. Whoa. If I think about it that way, it freaks me out a little bit. However, I'm taking it as it comes and am very grateful for every day. In a little reflection time, I came to the conclusion that I am living a life at this age that I never would have imagined I would be living. If I were asked when I was about 10 where I would be and what I would be doing when I was 26, I am certain I would have said, "I will have at least 1 kid, will have been married for a few years, and will be living in a house with a white picket fence." (Come to think of it, I would have been living Karen's life!! ;o) hehehe...Just kidding, Karen....) Instead, I'm teaching at a preschool, have zero kids (which is totally OK with me, btw), have no prospects for a boyfriend let alone a husband, and rent an old house with two wonderful friends... And to be perfectly honest, I couldn't imagine it any other way right now!! Good thing my 10-year old self didn't have ultimate control of my current life!! :o) It just proves to me yet again that GOD knows best, and I have absolutely no clue about anything, as it turns out... :o)

I went to a wedding yesterday. It might have been one of the most incredible wedding experiences I have ever had in my entire life! The couple is my roomie's brother and his new wife. They are so obviously in love... The impression I got from this wedding was that they were having a wedding and reception not for the tradition and formality but for the simple fact that their highest desire was to honor God, each other, and their friends and family by displaying the beauty of their love with a fantastic celebration! Yes, the event was fancy, sparkly, magical, and thrilling... But I took so much more away from that wedding than just about any other I have ever been to or in (and if you know me, you know that has been quite a few.........). I was shown joy in its purest form in the way Dan and Jami looked at each other. I was blessed by the way guests were honored and appreciated. I was brought to tears by the "wedding favor" for the guests: a large donation in our name to an orphanage in Belize. I'm not going to lie...I am becoming more and more jaded when it comes to weddings and all they seem to be about. This beautiful ceremony and celebration gave me a little hope...It is possible to do a wedding without completely destorting the beauty of marriage and true love. Ahhh...my inner hopeless romantic feels pretty happy today...

Tomorrow my sister got me and herself invited to a "birthday party" at 92.5 The Wolf's radio station. It's the afternoon show guy's birthday, and he is throwing himself a party with people who have birthdays around his. I get to leave work early tomorrow to go to it! I have no idea what to expect, but it should be fun. I'm excited to hang out with Emily. Perhaps I shall blog about my experience another day... Also, if you're in the Denver area, tune in to 92.5 around 4:00, and maybe you'll hear me talking to you!

One more thing... I got to chat with Karen for a while today, which made me really happy. I love that woman so very much. :o) She told me I was in trouble because I haven't been very consistent with my blogging lately. Her sweet Grandma Ruth reads our blogs and requested that we write more often. So, Grandma Ruth, I want to apologize and let you know that I will try to do better. :o)

Ok. That is all for now...
Have a wonderful week! :o)

Snapshot of Perfection

My inner poet decided to step out and say hello last week. It was inspired by my preschoolers... Enjoy!! :o)

"Snapshot of Perfection"

Verdant hills
Soft valleys for landing
Superstars-in-their-own-eyes kids

Sparkling eyes beaming life:
Lived.
Being Lived.
Yet to Live.

Bubbling laughter
Piercing shrieks
The occasional cry of unjustness

Friends
Holding hands
Taking toys
Sharing memories, if just for today.

Teacher sits
above them,
among them,
with them.
Watching.
Caring.
Smiling.

"Look what I can do!" they implore.
A floppy cartwheel
A clumsy somersault
"Watch me!" they insist.
A wiggle and a twist
A roll down the hill
To many it's impressive.
Some are sure they can do more.

Teacher knows something beyond
this moment,
these tricks,
the incredible feats.

It is just as it should be:
A joy, a blessing,
A snapshot of perfection
When all is well.

And as the superstars grow
Teacher knows
The best is yet to be.

journaling in the mountains...

This is a journal entry I wrote last Thursday, and I was hoping to put it up before this but...you know how it goes...

August 6, 2009
I got off work at 1:00 today, so I packed up my book, Bible, and journal, grabbed Petey, and took a drive to Estes Park. It rained a lot of the way up, but it is cool, dry and still here by Mary's Lake. Viewing the little puddles on the rocks surrounding me, I just missed the storm. The sun is trying to break through and some blue sky is peeking through the clouds to the south of me. It's actually clear over the peaks north of the lake The fish are hopping like crazy to catch the bugs. Almost makes me want to go fishing...almost...
I am so grateful for this mini-retreat I am taking this afternoon. Lately I am finding myself slipping a little bit back to the sadness that tried to overtake me a few months ago. I think it's partly due to the fact that school is starting again, but I don't get to be part of it like I was the past two years. Plus, I drove past LCS today and saw all of my friends' cars parked there, and it really made me miss the relationships I make there, especially my students. I feel really hurt by the administration there. I have been leading myself to believe I was OK all summer. Today I understood that the hurt goes deeper. It hits the places in me where I feel least significant. I always wonder if I'm actually good enough...good enough at what I do; good enough at who I am; good enough at life in general. So when LCS let me go and then had a position or two open up, I had to wonder: was I not offered a position because I 'm not good enough? That leads me to wonder, was I not offered any new positions by any other schools because I'm not good enough? Am I delirious and out of line when I search my heart and actually think I am good enough?! Because I think I'm a pretty damn-good teacher, and excellent employee, a charismatic leader, a true friend, a helpful person, a great listener, a creative thinker, a talented artist, an enthusiastic encourager...the list can go on...So and I actually just crazy for believing these things about myself? then why don't others seem to agree? Sure, I can't be finding my worth in what other think, but I really don't believe I do. My list wouldn't be so positive if I did...I just falter at times and get caught in questioning myself. I will likely never completely be able to not do that from time to time. I just have to remember: to everything there is a season. The season I am in right now is a huge transition. I don't completely get it, but I'll just keep trying to go with the flow. There are new paths to be walked, new people to meet, new lessons to be learned. Fear is OK...lo long as it is replaced by understanding as I get it. This is my life. I'm grateful for it all.
The sky keeps trying to clear as the breeze pushes the clouds away. The fish have had their fill of bugs. Mary's Lake is moving to it's steady, wavy beat. And I am reminded again that Jesus is walking this life with me. He just kissed me with a sunbeam. <3~mkf

In the Army...

Today I joined the army. OK...I didn't actually join the U.S. Army. I joined the Army of Women to help eradicate breast cancer. Here's a little bit about it. Read it and then join with me!!

The Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation and the Avon Foundation for Women, a global leader in breast cancer research, joined forces to launch the Love/Avon Army of Women.

Our revolutionary initiative has two key goals:

• To recruit one million healthy women of every age and ethnicity, including breast cancer survivors and women at high-risk for the disease, to partner with breast cancer researchers and directly participate in the research that will eradicate breast cancer once and for all.
• To challenge the scientific community to expand its current focus to include breast cancer prevention research conducted on healthy women.

Join us in this movement that will take us beyond a cure by creating new opportunities to study what causes breast cancer—and how to prevent it.

Join the Army of Women and make a difference with me!!

www.armyofwomen.org

I'm not dead yet!

There is a scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the dead-collectors go through the streets chanting, "Bring out ye dead! Bring out ye dead!" as they collect dead people off the streets. One old man is given to the collector and fights him saying, "I'm not dead yet!" (He is then knocked over the head and killed...but that's not the point of this...)
In the last week and a half, I have realized something huge: I'm not dead yet! I am 25 and am just starting to LIVE!!! I have been given a new hope and realized a lot about my dreams. I can't wait to see them realized...
I staffed the STARS National Conference during the last week of June. Every year I have taken part in this conference has been impacting to me to some degree. This year was a little bit different. God worked in me in the most unexpected ways. I'm not sure how else to describe it all besides listing a few highlights (from the conference and since it has ended)...So bear with me as I try to process and describe what has been happening in me...
1) I have a dream. I want to be a high school teacher. I am so over teaching in an white-majority, Christian-bubble environment. My heart is in teaching. And this last week, thanks to the amazing kids who made up my family group, I realized who I want to teach. I have a feeling that this new realization and dream will take me away from my little home town and will probably take me even away from Colorado. But interestingly enough, this makes me so excited!! I realize this won't happen overnight. In fact, I have to look into what it will take for me to get my secondary ed. certification. Then I have to get it. And don't forget about finding that job... Yet I am so encouraged. This is the first time in a long time that I have had a dream and haven't been afraid to let myself follow it.
2) I almost have a job. Yes, it's true. I interviewed at a preschool a few weeks ago and have since then been told that they are very interested in hiring me to teach in their 4-6 year old room. At first I was apprehensive about this. After all, last year I was sure that first grade was as low in age as I would ever go. Plus, this isn't a "real" classroom/teaching job! Add my new goal of being a high school teacher in the mix, and I was sure this wasn't the job for me... Until yesterday. I was able to talk to the lady in charge of hiring me and voiced some of my concerns with her. I needed her to know that I had to be paid more than they were offering and that I would not be able to commit more than a year to them at this point. Instead of shooting me down, she was even more encouraging to me! She let me know that she would pursue upping my pay and that she appreciated my honesty and integrity in letting them know what my ultimate goals are. We are going to meet next week to talk about details. I'm pretty sure I'll be making a paycheck by the beginning of August! God is so good.
3) I think I'm going back to school. After talking to the preschool lady yesterday, I got a phone call from a guy at Jones International University. Months ago I clicked on something online expressing interest in learning more about a master's degree from JIU. Then I realized I had no idea of what I actually wanted to do with my life... When the JIU guy called me yesterday, he was just calling to check up on me and see if I had any new thoughts or questions. I guess yesterday was his lucky day because I did have new thoughts and questions! I asked what their secondary ed program was like, and it turns out that is one of their specialty masters programs! Most of their courses are online courses, too, which means I can work and do coursework at the same time. This is why the preschool seems like a good place for me to be for the next year. I think I might be able to balance work and school with a job like that.
4) My Joy List is growing. Last blog I wrote about my Joy List and said I would keep adding to it. Over these past two weeks my list has expanded exponentially. I finally feel alive for the first time in a long time. I think my next blog will be more dedicated to the specifics of my Joy List.

And thus you have the latest update on my life. I'm not dead yet. I'm just starting to live. I have been revived yet again. Thank you, Jesus.