Letdown...

A few weeks ago I found out I would be out a job next year. Unfortunately, I was given this news at the beginning of the second-to-last week of school. I had no room to think about much except finishing strong. Last week was spent in the mountains as I chaperoned the junior class mission trip. Then came the weekend. And now...Now it's Tuesday of my first real week of summer vacation...
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...

I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.

Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.

...and it's only Wednesday...

This is perhaps one of the most difficult weeks I have ever had, and it's only Wednesday! Monday I was told I don't have a job at LCS next year. I cried a lot that afternoon and went to bed with a nasty headache.
Tuesday was rough b/c I was trying to focus on the day...not the circumstances that lie ahead of me...Searching for a job scares me. I am trying to be hopeful about it all, but it's still scary.
Today, things were much better emotionally, but at the end of the day, I was being productive and taking some things off the wall in the hall. I was standing on a mini chair on my way down from a desk I had been standing on. Not a minute before, I had a premonition of sorts... I actually thought to myself how terrible it would be to fall off the desk/chair and sprain my ankle. (When I think about things that are terrible, I usually don't anticipate them actually happening b/c I ruin the surprise factor by thinking of them before they happen. That's always been the way my "magical thinking" has worked. Well, the magic ran out today.) I stepped wrong off of the chair and went down hard on my ankle. I heard it pop, and knew that was not a good sign... I hobbled into my room, fighting nausea and blacking out (seriously!! I'm not even exaggerating here!!). Just then, my little Madi from last year popped in to say hi. I sent her to get an ice pack, and having her around to talk to for a few minutes helped me to not get sick over it. When she left, I knew it was definitely sprained... So my darling little brother came and picked me up and bought me Advil, a Slurpee, and a frozen pizza for the night... And now I am keeping it elevated with ice. I'm sure it's not broken, but it's not going to be better in the morning...
*Sigh* And it's only Wednesday...What's next?

P.S. I would like to shake the hand of the person who created FMyLife.com. It helps put one's own problems into a whole new perspective!! You should really check it out, if nothing else, for the cheap laughs. :o) http://FMyLife.com

a question...

I saw a picture of a baby today. The baby was not cute. In fact, she was about as far from cute as I have ever seen... This made me wonder... Do parents with not-cute kids know their kids are not cute?
I am so grateful that the two babies in my life right now are beyond cute. Thank you, Karen and Emily, for giving birth to beautiful little girls!!

To win, one has to play...

My palms were sweaty...
My knees were weak...
My heart was racing a mile a minute...
My breath came short and fast...
My brain couldn't think clearly...
I knew was in for trouble...

No, I did not fall in love. That would have been too wonderful.

I was staring at yet another bank notice email: ISF Notice!!! AGAIN?! I thought I already went through this last month! And I just got paid yesterday! "How could this be?!" I wondered aloud to myself. It took everything in me to go to my online bank statement and face the impending doom that awaited me...
I hate this feeling. I am out of control with my finances, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Sure, there's the obvious: keep track of my spending, and stick to a budget. Why can I not seem to grasp that habit and stick to it for more than a day? I was never trained properly to scrimp and save. I know how to shop sales and am getting better and better at not splurging and buying on impulse. I just can't seem to maintain a balance in my bank account that shows I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. I have more bills to pay than I can even count right now, and I don't even know where to start.
So...here I was...looking at my account balance... But wait! What is this?! I'm not seeing negative symbols here in my checking account... At a closer look, it appeared to me that my savings account was $9.70 in the negative thanks to a service fee!! What THAT is all about, I would like to know... But, hey! At least this is fixable with a little transfer from my POSITIVE checking account.
On the optimistic side, at least I am not completely screwed again this month. And maybe this is another wake up call that I need. It's time to grow up. It's time to face the truth. It's time to start saving and planning for a more secure future where I'm not constantly afraid of checking my account balance for fear of that negative sign.
Any suggestions?
Or better yet, let's pray I win the lotto. Of course to do that, one has to play... Darn.

a poem

I got a yummy candy bar from a kid today. Inside the wrapper was a poem. I liked it, so I thought I would share it.

What woman can forget the arrival of her
first billet doux?
The expectant heart,
the trembling fingers,
the delight of reading young love's artless
revelations in some secret corner,
where no profane eye might see her,
and where her impassioned lover might urge
his suit,
uninterrupted by any voice unsympathetic
with that sweet time.

~J.T. Merydew

I wish I could write poetry like that...
I wish I could have a love letter to read...

Happy Earth Day!

Recycling is one of my favorite hobbies. I'm not a fanatic about it or anything, but I do enjoy putting things in the recycle box and taking it to the bin in the alley when it's overflowing with reusable goodness. On more than one occasion I have been known to fish things out of the trash can to put them in the recycle bin instead... I have a box under my desk that I put papers, cans, and other recyclables in throughout the day. My school doesn't have a recycling program, so I feel a certain responsibility to be my own program here. I have to take my recycling home to my house to actually recycle it, but it's worth it. When I look at all of the trash my school goes through on a daily basis and realize how much could be eliminated with a recycling program, it makes me a little mad. I know it costs money to implement new programs and make them successful. But I don't see why we can't partner with the city or the county and get something figured out. If I'm here teaching again next year, mark my words: I'm going to head up the recycling program. In the mean time, I'll just continue to quietly recycle under my desk and at home. Every little bit counts.
In honor of this holiday, I'm wearing my "Wise Up. Live Life Green." owl tee shirt today. I really like this shirt. The owl is quite cute, and the message makes me feel like I'm serious about making a change in the current world. I might not be the tree-huggingest of tree huggers, but I love trees... a lot (Thanks, Grandpa!). I'm not a "Boulderite" by any means. I just care about our earth. After all, the earth is the Lord's and everything that's in it. I have come to take that more seriously in my recent past. Now, I want to pass it on to my kids. We planted seeds yesterday in class. Today we're going to take some time to pick up garbage. I have some cool books to share with them, too. Yesterday we read Our Two Gardens by Mararet Hebblethwaite and Peter Kavanagh. Today we are going to read Heron Street by Ann Turner and The Tree by Dana Lyons. These kids know the value of taking care of our earth. I'm glad they are being made aware of it now. Kids are much more empassioned than many grown ups when it comes to being eco-friendly.
Do something nice for our earth today! But don't stop there... Make a "green" change today and let it carry through to every day. It's a lot easier than you think. :o)

snow days and other things

I have a lot of thoughts going through my head, so in the spirit of my friend Kristy, I am going to make a list of thoughts. This list will not be nearly as entertaining to read as Kristy's, I'm sure, but that's OK with me. It is what it is, and that's that.

1) Spring break started two days early, as we have had two snow days in a row! We got about 10 or so inches in my town, and the surrounding areas got even as much as 2 feet! Considering we probably have had less than 2 inches of snow all winter, this is a wonderful thing. It virtually shut down every school district around, so there are a lot of happy kids and teachers in the area right now!! I know it's spring break, but I don't even mind having this much snow. I'm not so much excited about the "spring" as I am the "break." Yesterday and today, our really hot (and married) neighbor shoveled our walk. How sweet is that?! He's a good guy. Too bad his wife is so amazing, too... :o)

2) I did a very bad thing. I killed my beautiful peace plant yesterday. I had placed it on the front porch for the past 2 weeks to enjoy our 65+ degree weather...and I left it there...I totally forgot about it, and by the time I remembered, I went out and saw something horrible. My poor plant was frozen, shriveled, and so dark green it was almost black. I knew right away there was no coming back from this tragic happening for that little plant... I had hoped it would warm up and perk up over night. No such luck. I feel so sad about this. I just hope there is some salvaging of life somewhere in those roots.

3) My grandma is coming out from Nebraska on Sunday to stay for a couple of weeks. I'm excited to see her. My spring break is going to consist of a lot of seeing her and Charlotte. That makes me happy. :o)

4) I still have not got a new driver's license (see "It's Like Being 15 All Over Again" for full story.). I really need to. I don't know why I have been putting it off. I keep saying it's b/c I can't afford the cost. If that were actually true, I wouldn't be spending my money on other things. I think I'm nervous. I haven't really driven in a long time. I am afraid of messing up. How embarrassing would that be to not pass my driving test at age 25?! Yes, I need to get over it and just do it. I know.

5) Heather asked me to sing in her wedding. I'm singing a song called "Feels Like Home" by some lady named Chantal Kreviazuk. It's a really pretty song. I'm honored she asked me to sing...But I haven't sung in front of people in a really long time! I am not nervous, actually. I just have to find a track to practice with and hope it meets Heather's standard! I know she wants it to sound the way Chantal sings it...Unfortunately I am not a professional and might have a hard time sounding as good as she does. Oh well. Where does one find a track to sing to? When I was in middle and high school and needed things like that for talent shows and such, I went to music stores. I wonder if they even carry things like that anymore. I'll probably have to look on line.

6) Speaking of Heather's wedding, we are going dress shopping on Sunday!!! I'm really excited, not only to look into dresses for me and the bridal party, but also to help Heather find her dress! She is a bride who has an idea of what she wants, but has no idea how to go about finding it. She's lucky she has a "professional bridesmaid" in her midst! :o) Heather's wedding makes #7 for me. "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride..."

7) I love my little Petey. He is snuggled up right next me me, keeping me warm. He hates the snow when it's more than a millimeter deep. It makes his little tootsies cold. I have a princess for a puppy.

The end...for now...