This is a journal entry I wrote last Thursday, and I was hoping to put it up before this but...you know how it goes...
August 6, 2009
I got off work at 1:00 today, so I packed up my book, Bible, and journal, grabbed Petey, and took a drive to Estes Park. It rained a lot of the way up, but it is cool, dry and still here by Mary's Lake. Viewing the little puddles on the rocks surrounding me, I just missed the storm. The sun is trying to break through and some blue sky is peeking through the clouds to the south of me. It's actually clear over the peaks north of the lake The fish are hopping like crazy to catch the bugs. Almost makes me want to go fishing...almost...
I am so grateful for this mini-retreat I am taking this afternoon. Lately I am finding myself slipping a little bit back to the sadness that tried to overtake me a few months ago. I think it's partly due to the fact that school is starting again, but I don't get to be part of it like I was the past two years. Plus, I drove past LCS today and saw all of my friends' cars parked there, and it really made me miss the relationships I make there, especially my students. I feel really hurt by the administration there. I have been leading myself to believe I was OK all summer. Today I understood that the hurt goes deeper. It hits the places in me where I feel least significant. I always wonder if I'm actually good enough...good enough at what I do; good enough at who I am; good enough at life in general. So when LCS let me go and then had a position or two open up, I had to wonder: was I not offered a position because I 'm not good enough? That leads me to wonder, was I not offered any new positions by any other schools because I'm not good enough? Am I delirious and out of line when I search my heart and actually think I am good enough?! Because I think I'm a pretty damn-good teacher, and excellent employee, a charismatic leader, a true friend, a helpful person, a great listener, a creative thinker, a talented artist, an enthusiastic encourager...the list can go on...So and I actually just crazy for believing these things about myself? then why don't others seem to agree? Sure, I can't be finding my worth in what other think, but I really don't believe I do. My list wouldn't be so positive if I did...I just falter at times and get caught in questioning myself. I will likely never completely be able to not do that from time to time. I just have to remember: to everything there is a season. The season I am in right now is a huge transition. I don't completely get it, but I'll just keep trying to go with the flow. There are new paths to be walked, new people to meet, new lessons to be learned. Fear is OK...lo long as it is replaced by understanding as I get it. This is my life. I'm grateful for it all.
The sky keeps trying to clear as the breeze pushes the clouds away. The fish have had their fill of bugs. Mary's Lake is moving to it's steady, wavy beat. And I am reminded again that Jesus is walking this life with me. He just kissed me with a sunbeam. <3~mkf
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
In the Army...
Today I joined the army. OK...I didn't actually join the U.S. Army. I joined the Army of Women to help eradicate breast cancer. Here's a little bit about it. Read it and then join with me!!
The Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation and the Avon Foundation for Women, a global leader in breast cancer research, joined forces to launch the Love/Avon Army of Women.
Our revolutionary initiative has two key goals:
- To recruit one million healthy women of every age and ethnicity, including breast cancer survivors and women at high-risk for the disease, to partner with breast cancer researchers and directly participate in the research that will eradicate breast cancer once and for all.
- To challenge the scientific community to expand its current focus to include breast cancer prevention research conducted on healthy women.
Join us in this movement that will take us beyond a cure by creating new opportunities to study what causes breast cancer—and how to prevent it.
Join the Army of Women and make a difference with me!!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'm not dead yet!
There is a scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the dead-collectors go through the streets chanting, "Bring out ye dead! Bring out ye dead!" as they collect dead people off the streets. One old man is given to the collector and fights him saying, "I'm not dead yet!" (He is then knocked over the head and killed...but that's not the point of this...)
In the last week and a half, I have realized something huge: I'm not dead yet! I am 25 and am just starting to LIVE!!! I have been given a new hope and realized a lot about my dreams. I can't wait to see them realized...
I staffed the STARS National Conference during the last week of June. Every year I have taken part in this conference has been impacting to me to some degree. This year was a little bit different. God worked in me in the most unexpected ways. I'm not sure how else to describe it all besides listing a few highlights (from the conference and since it has ended)...So bear with me as I try to process and describe what has been happening in me...
1) I have a dream. I want to be a high school teacher. I am so over teaching in an white-majority, Christian-bubble environment. My heart is in teaching. And this last week, thanks to the amazing kids who made up my family group, I realized who I want to teach. I have a feeling that this new realization and dream will take me away from my little home town and will probably take me even away from Colorado. But interestingly enough, this makes me so excited!! I realize this won't happen overnight. In fact, I have to look into what it will take for me to get my secondary ed. certification. Then I have to get it. And don't forget about finding that job... Yet I am so encouraged. This is the first time in a long time that I have had a dream and haven't been afraid to let myself follow it.
2) I almost have a job. Yes, it's true. I interviewed at a preschool a few weeks ago and have since then been told that they are very interested in hiring me to teach in their 4-6 year old room. At first I was apprehensive about this. After all, last year I was sure that first grade was as low in age as I would ever go. Plus, this isn't a "real" classroom/teaching job! Add my new goal of being a high school teacher in the mix, and I was sure this wasn't the job for me... Until yesterday. I was able to talk to the lady in charge of hiring me and voiced some of my concerns with her. I needed her to know that I had to be paid more than they were offering and that I would not be able to commit more than a year to them at this point. Instead of shooting me down, she was even more encouraging to me! She let me know that she would pursue upping my pay and that she appreciated my honesty and integrity in letting them know what my ultimate goals are. We are going to meet next week to talk about details. I'm pretty sure I'll be making a paycheck by the beginning of August! God is so good.
3) I think I'm going back to school. After talking to the preschool lady yesterday, I got a phone call from a guy at Jones International University. Months ago I clicked on something online expressing interest in learning more about a master's degree from JIU. Then I realized I had no idea of what I actually wanted to do with my life... When the JIU guy called me yesterday, he was just calling to check up on me and see if I had any new thoughts or questions. I guess yesterday was his lucky day because I did have new thoughts and questions! I asked what their secondary ed program was like, and it turns out that is one of their specialty masters programs! Most of their courses are online courses, too, which means I can work and do coursework at the same time. This is why the preschool seems like a good place for me to be for the next year. I think I might be able to balance work and school with a job like that.
4) My Joy List is growing. Last blog I wrote about my Joy List and said I would keep adding to it. Over these past two weeks my list has expanded exponentially. I finally feel alive for the first time in a long time. I think my next blog will be more dedicated to the specifics of my Joy List.
And thus you have the latest update on my life. I'm not dead yet. I'm just starting to live. I have been revived yet again. Thank you, Jesus.
In the last week and a half, I have realized something huge: I'm not dead yet! I am 25 and am just starting to LIVE!!! I have been given a new hope and realized a lot about my dreams. I can't wait to see them realized...
I staffed the STARS National Conference during the last week of June. Every year I have taken part in this conference has been impacting to me to some degree. This year was a little bit different. God worked in me in the most unexpected ways. I'm not sure how else to describe it all besides listing a few highlights (from the conference and since it has ended)...So bear with me as I try to process and describe what has been happening in me...
1) I have a dream. I want to be a high school teacher. I am so over teaching in an white-majority, Christian-bubble environment. My heart is in teaching. And this last week, thanks to the amazing kids who made up my family group, I realized who I want to teach. I have a feeling that this new realization and dream will take me away from my little home town and will probably take me even away from Colorado. But interestingly enough, this makes me so excited!! I realize this won't happen overnight. In fact, I have to look into what it will take for me to get my secondary ed. certification. Then I have to get it. And don't forget about finding that job... Yet I am so encouraged. This is the first time in a long time that I have had a dream and haven't been afraid to let myself follow it.
2) I almost have a job. Yes, it's true. I interviewed at a preschool a few weeks ago and have since then been told that they are very interested in hiring me to teach in their 4-6 year old room. At first I was apprehensive about this. After all, last year I was sure that first grade was as low in age as I would ever go. Plus, this isn't a "real" classroom/teaching job! Add my new goal of being a high school teacher in the mix, and I was sure this wasn't the job for me... Until yesterday. I was able to talk to the lady in charge of hiring me and voiced some of my concerns with her. I needed her to know that I had to be paid more than they were offering and that I would not be able to commit more than a year to them at this point. Instead of shooting me down, she was even more encouraging to me! She let me know that she would pursue upping my pay and that she appreciated my honesty and integrity in letting them know what my ultimate goals are. We are going to meet next week to talk about details. I'm pretty sure I'll be making a paycheck by the beginning of August! God is so good.
3) I think I'm going back to school. After talking to the preschool lady yesterday, I got a phone call from a guy at Jones International University. Months ago I clicked on something online expressing interest in learning more about a master's degree from JIU. Then I realized I had no idea of what I actually wanted to do with my life... When the JIU guy called me yesterday, he was just calling to check up on me and see if I had any new thoughts or questions. I guess yesterday was his lucky day because I did have new thoughts and questions! I asked what their secondary ed program was like, and it turns out that is one of their specialty masters programs! Most of their courses are online courses, too, which means I can work and do coursework at the same time. This is why the preschool seems like a good place for me to be for the next year. I think I might be able to balance work and school with a job like that.
4) My Joy List is growing. Last blog I wrote about my Joy List and said I would keep adding to it. Over these past two weeks my list has expanded exponentially. I finally feel alive for the first time in a long time. I think my next blog will be more dedicated to the specifics of my Joy List.
And thus you have the latest update on my life. I'm not dead yet. I'm just starting to live. I have been revived yet again. Thank you, Jesus.
Friday, June 26, 2009
A brighter perspective...
For the past month and a half I have been in a funk. Losing my job, spraining my ankle, and feeling fat have really made me spiral into a cycle of a certain depression. I know I'm not depressed to the point of needing medical help. It's more like being stuck in a dead-end road with no room to turn around and no rear-view mirror to help make reversing possible. I have felt like circumstances were so out of my control that I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Sadly, I haven't been in the place where I "let go" of the control; rather, the control I thought I had suddenly has fallen through my fingers like water. I have felt unlike myself in every aspect of my self. My mind, will, and emotions are not "me". My spirit is dry. My body feels like crap. All that adds up to me not quite being ME. Where has the JOY gone?
But here's the thing...Now that I have been able to vocalize it and realize what is going on with me, I have felt a certain freedom in knowing that I feel this way and can accept that it won't kill me. Things are gradually getting better, too. My ankle isn't so injured any more. That means I can work out almost as I used to. I had a job interview yesterday. That gave me a little hope that I just might have a new job by the end of this summer. Things are slowly turning around for me...
A good friend of mine says, "Happiness depends on happenings. Joy depends on Jesus." I have always appreciated that statement; but lately that has become truth to me. I have to look beyond circumstances for wholeness and Joy. So that is what I have been attempting to do. I have a little list that I have started that I would like to call my Joy List. I know I will continue to add to it because Jesus just keeps showing me more truth whenever I seek it.
Joy List:
Beautiful roses in gardens all over town.
Flowering trees.
Petey.
Friends who pray for me and encourage me, especially when I don't even ask for it.
Hard work.
Alpacas.
Watching my brother play baseball.
Cracking up about nothing and everything with my sister.
Morning sunshine.
The few days a month I wake up with little or no blemishes on my face.
Laughter.
Harry Potter books.
Pretty eye shadow.
Having lunch with friends.
Long walks in the afternoon.
Delicious desserts.
Pink toenail polish.
Teens who have decided to make positive life choices and hold others accountable to it, too. Yay STARS!!
My beautiful niece Charlotte and all the amazingness that she embodies.
Squirrels.
The dress I get to wear for Heather's wedding.
I am going to keep adding to this list because just writing it is making me understand how much beauty, hope, and joy God has for me. Things might not always be perfect, but things aren't so bad, really...
But here's the thing...Now that I have been able to vocalize it and realize what is going on with me, I have felt a certain freedom in knowing that I feel this way and can accept that it won't kill me. Things are gradually getting better, too. My ankle isn't so injured any more. That means I can work out almost as I used to. I had a job interview yesterday. That gave me a little hope that I just might have a new job by the end of this summer. Things are slowly turning around for me...
A good friend of mine says, "Happiness depends on happenings. Joy depends on Jesus." I have always appreciated that statement; but lately that has become truth to me. I have to look beyond circumstances for wholeness and Joy. So that is what I have been attempting to do. I have a little list that I have started that I would like to call my Joy List. I know I will continue to add to it because Jesus just keeps showing me more truth whenever I seek it.
Joy List:
Beautiful roses in gardens all over town.
Flowering trees.
Petey.
Friends who pray for me and encourage me, especially when I don't even ask for it.
Hard work.
Alpacas.
Watching my brother play baseball.
Cracking up about nothing and everything with my sister.
Morning sunshine.
The few days a month I wake up with little or no blemishes on my face.
Laughter.
Harry Potter books.
Pretty eye shadow.
Having lunch with friends.
Long walks in the afternoon.
Delicious desserts.
Pink toenail polish.
Teens who have decided to make positive life choices and hold others accountable to it, too. Yay STARS!!
My beautiful niece Charlotte and all the amazingness that she embodies.
Squirrels.
The dress I get to wear for Heather's wedding.
I am going to keep adding to this list because just writing it is making me understand how much beauty, hope, and joy God has for me. Things might not always be perfect, but things aren't so bad, really...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Return of the Squirrel
Lester the Pester was back today. I thought I had shut the back door behind me after taking Petey outside this morning, but apparently, I didn't...
Lester (appropriately named, in my humble opinion) knew there was a chip bag sitting near the back door waiting to get thrown away. (Don't ask he how or why.) He wasn't about to let that happen. Lester decided to take matters into his own paws. I think he actually pushed the back door open just enough to slip his little black body through. He made his way up to the bench holding the chips, bit a hole in the back, and helped himself.
Now, you may ask, where were you? Where was PETEY? Well, let me tell you. He and I were in the living room on the couch. I was applying for jobs. Petey was snuggled up next to me. Some gaurd dog he is...But we already established his inadequacies yesterday...
I heard the noise in the kitchen and got up to investigate. My trusty non-gaurd dog was right at my heels. Sure enough...There went Lester, out the door and up the tree with a chip in his mouth!!!
Upon further investigation, Lester also managed to get into Jenn's wheat tortillas...ooops... Needless to say, I shut the door. And I will continue to shut the door all summer. I like Lester, but only when he's outside.
Karen reminded me of a poem she and I so elloquently wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. We were inspired by some stuffed Missouri squirrels in our friend Travis's basement. (Yes, his family hunted and stuffed the squirrels. No joke.) It is written in haiku form. Enjoy!
It's all about life.
Do keep the squirrels alive, please.
They are watching us.
They attack at night
Showing their teeth, burnt orange.
Watch out for their claws.
Did you know they're soft?
They look bristly, but they're not.
Dont let them fool you.
They are devious,
plotting and planning demise.
Shut the door and hide.
If you let them be,
They will leave us alone.
It's all about life.
Lester (appropriately named, in my humble opinion) knew there was a chip bag sitting near the back door waiting to get thrown away. (Don't ask he how or why.) He wasn't about to let that happen. Lester decided to take matters into his own paws. I think he actually pushed the back door open just enough to slip his little black body through. He made his way up to the bench holding the chips, bit a hole in the back, and helped himself.
Now, you may ask, where were you? Where was PETEY? Well, let me tell you. He and I were in the living room on the couch. I was applying for jobs. Petey was snuggled up next to me. Some gaurd dog he is...But we already established his inadequacies yesterday...
I heard the noise in the kitchen and got up to investigate. My trusty non-gaurd dog was right at my heels. Sure enough...There went Lester, out the door and up the tree with a chip in his mouth!!!
Upon further investigation, Lester also managed to get into Jenn's wheat tortillas...ooops... Needless to say, I shut the door. And I will continue to shut the door all summer. I like Lester, but only when he's outside.
Karen reminded me of a poem she and I so elloquently wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. We were inspired by some stuffed Missouri squirrels in our friend Travis's basement. (Yes, his family hunted and stuffed the squirrels. No joke.) It is written in haiku form. Enjoy!
It's all about life.
Do keep the squirrels alive, please.
They are watching us.
They attack at night
Showing their teeth, burnt orange.
Watch out for their claws.
Did you know they're soft?
They look bristly, but they're not.
Dont let them fool you.
They are devious,
plotting and planning demise.
Shut the door and hide.
If you let them be,
They will leave us alone.
It's all about life.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Rainy Day Visitor
I know I just posted another blog, but I had to share something...
It started raining last night, and it has been a very wet morning. I kept hearing a noise in the kitchen, but with the roomies working and Petey with me, I couldn't figure out what it was. Then, it hit me. The intruder squirrel was back...
A couple months ago, Jenn was home from work during a really snowy day. All morning, a little squirrel attempted to find ways to get into the house. He scratched at the door, climbed the window, and did just about anything to get in out of the snow.
And now the little guy was back. Only this time, he discovered the hole in the window screen that another squirrel chewed last summer. It's the perfect size for a squirrel to get through...So he did. The little guy decided the space between the window and screen was the perfect place to wait out the rain, if he couldn't actually get in the house.
He has been going in and out, climbing up and down the screen all morning. It's kind of cute...
Letdown...
A few weeks ago I found out I would be out a job next year. Unfortunately, I was given this news at the beginning of the second-to-last week of school. I had no room to think about much except finishing strong. Last week was spent in the mountains as I chaperoned the junior class mission trip. Then came the weekend. And now...Now it's Tuesday of my first real week of summer vacation...
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...
I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.
Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.
I have a huge list of things to do:
1) Finish my application process with the district
2) Complete my state licensure process
3) Look into a sub license
4) Find jobs to make money over the summer
5) Find a job for next year
6) Look into grad school
7) Clean my room
8) Organize the kitchen
And when I write it all out, it becomes even more overwhelming...
I feel like I have been going and going, full speed ahead, and now all of a sudden the brakes have been pulled. This locomotive had come to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere. Sitting at home yesterday, I found myself feeling a little blue. I looked into a few different part-time jobs, but that just made me feel worse. I am kind of limited right now because I don't have a running car. I'm hoping to make some money to get a car, but it's a vicious cycle.
Life isn't easy. I know that. I also know lots of people have it worse. But truth be told, I am having a hard time puting it into a positive perspective today. I am sure it will get better. God hasn't left me. He wouldn't just hang me high and dry. Today, though, I'm still trying to cling to that truth.
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